It's About Time
by tongue in cheek scribe
Summary: Summery: Guess what? The Elves never left Middle Earth! They're still here! They're still gorgeous! They're selling time-shares! How would our favorite Elves make their way in our world? Non-canon, AU, obviously. Humor. Rated PG-13 for language and adult
1. The Call

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. I write this strictly becausewell, because** Legolas: **Because you are an obsessive-compulsive personality with a very large sadistic streak? **Me:** You again? Are you _following_ me? Are you some kind of sick, twisted Elf _stalker_? **Legolas: **_ME_? _You're_ the one who won't leave _ME_ alone! **Me:** I don't seem to remember calling you - you just showed up. **Legolas:** Stop trying to twist this around - _you're_ obsessed with _ME_! **Me:** Soyou're a sick, twisted Elf stalker who is also paranoidis that it? **Legolas:** There's no winning with you, is there? **Me:** Ooohhe _can_ be taught!

****

It's About Time

Summery: Guess what? The Elves never left Middle Earth! They're still here! They're still gorgeous! They're selling time-shares! How would our favorite Elves make their way in our world? Non-canon, AU, obviously. Humor. Rated PG-13 for language and adult situations. Please read and review.

****

A/N: Okayso it's not an original ideablame the plot bunnies, not me. They've mated with the dust bunnies under my bed and have produced this misshapen bit of bunny fluff. I'm getting them all spayed and neutered next week.

****

Chapter 1

The Call

He reached over the side of the bed and blindly slammed the button on the alarm clock. Sliding his feet to the floor, he felt around for his slippers, then slowly stood up, stretching.

Walking into the kitchen, he quickly added grinds and water to the Mr. Coffee, and turned it on. Stepping into the bathroom, he sighed as he peed out the remnants of last night's Budfest.

He squinted into the bathroom mirror, wincing at the puffiness around his eyes.

"Man, I wonder if 'Ro looks this bad this morning," Elladan wondered, pulling down the lower eyelashes of his left eye with a long, slender finger. Splashing some cold water on his face, he ran a comb through his long, silky, ebony hair. He walked out of the bathroom and down the hall of the apartment he shared with his twin brother.

Hearing the snores coming from his brother's bedroom, he pounded on the doorloudly enough to shake the frame. He heard a satisfying thump from within the room as a startled Elrohir rolled out of bed and hit the floor.

"Rise and shine, brother, dear! We've got work, today."

"When my eyes fully open and this pounding in my head fades to a dull ache, I am going to throttle you!" came a voice from behind the door.

Elladan chuckled to himself. It had been this way for eonsElrohir _never_ wanted to get up in the morning. Of the two of them, 'Ro was the night owl. He'd party all night, and sleep all day, if 'Dan would let him. Which he never did - much to Ro's annoyance.

Padding back into the kitchen, Elladan poured himself a cup of coffee - one of the addictive, if delicious, habits he had picked up over the centuries - adding a generous amount of sugar and cream. Pulling out a plate of danish from the fridge, he sat at the kitchen table, sipping his cup and perusing the daily paper.

A short while later, Elrohir stumbled out of the bathroom, feeling his way down the hall with his hands to the kitchen, wearing only his blue plaid pajama bottoms. He also poured himself a cup of coffee, although how he managed it without spilling the hot liquid all over himself was a mystery, since his eyes were still closed. He seated himself across from his mirror image, and pulled the sports section out of 'Dan's hands.

"Got a call from Legolas last night. Wants to meet up with us tonight at the Breeze," Elladan said conversationally, picking up a piece of cherry danish and biting into it. "Ah, sugarone of the many inventions of Men I truly enjoy," he said to himself, "sugar and Taco Bell."

"Haven't I told you a _billion_ times _not_ to talk to me until after I've had my coffee?" Elrohir growled, forcing his gray eyes open to look at his brother. He grabbed an apple danish and took a huge bite out of it.

"Sorry. When you're awake, or reach whatever form of consciousness you have that _simulates_ being awake, I'll need an answer for Legolas."

"What does he want, anyway? I thought he was working on a new project that was taking up all of his time"

"Don't know, he wouldn't say. He just said that it was important, earth-shattering, and that all life on the planet as we know it depended on our meeting," "Dan explained around a mouthful of danish.

"In other words, he wants a favor," 'Ro said flatly. "Oooh, I think the Devils are going to make it all the way to the playoffs this year!" he continued, his eyes picking up an article on the front of the sports' page.

"Yeah? Glorfindel better get us tickets," Elladan smiled, getting up for another cup of coffee. "And not up in the nosebleed section like the last timeI want to be down on the ice, where I can see him get his ass kicked!"

Elrohir rolled his eyes. "_He_ does most of the asskicking out therefreakin' balrog-slayer wiped the ice with the captain of the Rangers last game."

"I can always hope" 'Dan laughed, draining his second cup of coffee. He left his twin reading the paper and went to take a shower. "Don't dawdle over the paper too long, 'Rowe've got a 9:00 a.m. sales meeting this morning."

"Yeah, yeahI know," Elrohir muttered, burying his nose in the paper again.

A short while later, the twins were dressed in khakis and bright blue golf shirts, their hair neatly tied back at the napes of their necks. Hopping into 'Dan's shiny new Mustang convertible, they drove the short distance to the Willoughby Station Timeshare Resort, where they currently both held jobs as salesmen. The most successful salesmen in the history of the resort, mind youthey had a system that could not be beaten. They sold almost exclusively to females - and what female could _possibly_ resist their charms? Not many - hence the success.

As they walked into the sales office, every female eye following their every step, 'Dan's cell phone rang.

"Hello, this is Elladan" He answered, flipping open the tiny instrument and holding it next to his pointy ear.

"'Dan? It's Ada. Did Legolas call you last night?" Elrond asked his son.

"Ada? Yes, he calleddid he call you too?"

"Yes. I've already heard from Galadriel and Celeborn this morningthe Prince was a busy beaver last night. He must have called every Elf on the planet. Do you have any idea what this is all about?"

"Nope. He just asked us to meet him at The Breeze tonight."

"Well, I guess I'll see you two therethis had better be good, though. I'm giving up Monday night football for this."

"What? Adayou're breaking up," 'Dan yelled into the phone.

"See you tonight!" Elrond yelled back, severing the connection.

Elladan looked at Elrohir, and raised an eyebrow. "That was Ada."

"So I surmised when you screamed his name a moment ago."

"Legolas called him, too. It's going to be like Old Home week tonight - he's called just about everyone to meet him there."

"Super," 'Ro said dryly, rolling his eyes. "Let's gothe meeting is about to start."

They walked together into the conference room, every female eye still trained on the backs of their pants.


	2. The Photo Shoot

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Elladan:** Well, so far you haven't managed to annoy or humiliate us **Legolas:** Don't trust her, Elladanshe lulls you into a false sense of security, then...WHACK! She smacks you upside the head with a nude scene! **Elladan:** I don't mind doing nude scenes if they're vital to the plot, and are done in good taste. **Legolas:** They're _NEVER_ vital to the plot, and they're _NEVER_ done in good taste. **Me:** Hey, I resent that! I always write artistic nude scenes! **Legolas:** You wouldn't know an artistic nude scene if it came up and bit you on the ass! **Me:** Oh, I am _SO_ going to make you suffer in this story!

****

Chapter 2

The Photo Shoot

"Okay, I want _angry_. I want _snarling_. I want _dangerous_! I want _deadly_!" The photographer instructed, looking through his viewfinder. "Come on, _growl_ at the cameramake me feel _threatened_!" He motioned to a crewmember, who turned on the industrial fan to the left of the set, sending a strong breeze onto the set, lifting up the long, silver strands of the model's hair.

The model, shirt and sock less, clad only in a pair of black jeans, his flesh slicked with sweat, crawled threateningly toward the camera. His muscles rippled beneath his skin, lips parted in a sneer, and his striking gray eyes bored holes in the camera's lens.

"Awesome, baby! You're setting my camera on _fire_! Work it, baby, work it! That's greatit's a wrap." The photographer quickly turned his attention from the model to his crew, leaving the model to dress.

Someone handed him a robe, and Haldir slipped it over his muscular shoulders. Someone else handed him a bottle of Perrier, and still another person handed him a cell phone.

"You've had several calls this morning, Mr. Haldir," his secretary, a rather severe looking woman named Myrtle said, scurrying beside him, flipping through a stack of little pink "while you were out" messages.

Haldir sighed, and took a seat in the director's chair that had his name printed on the back. A make-up artist started patting his cheeks with a bronzing powder, while another hairdresser fussed with his long, silver hair. "Who, what, where, when, why, and how?" he asked his secretary, sipping the bottle of sparkling water.

"Your hair dresser calledsaid it was about time for your deep conditioning treatment."

"Next.

"Your brother, Rumil called and said to remind you about next week's brunch with him and Orophin."

"Next."

"The Armani people calledagain. They need an answer about the fall show in Milan."

"Next."

"Someone named _Bambi_, with an "i", called and wanted to know why you haven't called her."

"Next."

"The Victoria's Secret people called. They want you for the new "Angels" spread."

"Next."

"Someone named _Tiffani_, with "_two_ i's" called and wanted to know why you haven't called her."

"Next."

"The GQ people called. They want to re-shoot the October issue."

"Next."

"Someone by the name of Legolas Greenleaf called. He said he was an old friend of yours. He wants you to call him as soon as possible...said it's extremely urgent."

Haldir lifted an eyebrow at the mention of Legolas' name. "Haven't heard from Legolas in ageswonder what he's up to now?" he thought to himself. "I'll answer that last one," Haldir said, taking the pink message slip from Myrtle, "Call my hairdresser and make an appointment for Tuesday at 4:00, send flowers to the two "I" girls, and get the rest of the messages to my agent."

"Very good, Mr. Haldir," Myrtle replied, bustling off to call Haldir's hairdresser, his agent, and the florist.

Haldir flipped open his phone and dialed the number on the pink message slip. It rang a half dozen times, before a familiar voice answered.

"Hello, Greenleaf Productions."

"Legolas? It's Haldir."

"Haldir! Well, well, March Wardenit's been a very long time! Thanks for getting back to me," Legolas answered. Haldir could hear the happiness in his voiceit _had_ been too long since they last spoke.

Haldir laughed at Legolas' use of the title he had held centuries ago in Lothlorien. "It's good to hear your voice, Prince of Mirkwood."

Now it was Legolas' turn to chuckle. "No one's called me that since before the Renaissance, Haldir! So, Mr. Big-Shot-Male-Model-of-the-Year, I hear they're keeping you pretty busy on the runways and with the ad campaigns! And didn't I hear something about you shooting covers for some romance novels?"

"That was _Fabio_, not _me_. I don't _do_ book covers. You should know me better than that," Haldir said, a little annoyed. "What can I do for you, Legolas? I'm kind of in the middle of a shootcan I call you later?"

"Well, this is pretty important, mellon nin," Legolas replied.

Legolas' use of the old tongue was not lost on Haldir. It could only mean that whatever Legolas wanted, it was, indeed, very important to him.

"I've called a bunch of the old gang - Elladan, Elrohir, Elrond, Galadriel, Celeborn, and a few others. As a matter of fact I just got off the phone with Orophin and Rumil. We're meeting in Orlando tonight at the Breeze. Can you make it?" Legolas asked.

"Orlando? Legolas, I'm in New York" Haldir informed his old friend.

'I know, I knowI can have a plane waiting at JFK for you. Two and a half-hour flightyou take the meeting with usyou're back in New York before breakfast. Come on, Haldirwhat do you say?"

"The old gang, huh? It would be great to see everyone againokay! Make it happen, buddy,' Haldir said, "I'll see you at the Breeze."

"Awesome! See you soon," Legolas laughed, breaking the connection.

Haldir slowly closed the flip phone, his thoughts fifteen hundred miles south and a thousand years in the past. Images of the people he had grown up with, lived with, loved with, and fought with passed in his mind's eye.

"Pardon me, Haldir," the photographer said, approaching the tall Elf. "I'd like to get just a few more shots for the layout, if that's okay with you"

"Make it fast, ArturoI have to wrap this up soon," Haldir instructed the photographer, standing up and slipping the robe from his shoulders.

"Got a hot date for after the shoot, Haldir?" the photographer kidded, secretly thinking he'd give his left eyetooth to live this Elf's life.

'Nopewell, sort ofI'm going to DisneyWorld!" Haldir replied, laughing at the confused look on the photographer's face. He walked back on the set to begin shooting.


	3. Shooting the Breeze

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** See, Elladan_see_ what she did to Haldir in that last chapter? I _told_ you so! **Me:** What did I do? He wasn't naked. **Haldir:** Do NOT give her any ideas, Legolas! At least I had pants on. **Elladan:** I thought it was a cool chapter. **Elrohir:** Yeah, I liked it, too. **Me:** Oh, I like these boys more and more everyday **Legolas:** Am I the only sane one here?

****

A/N: Thanks to all the reviewers who I haven't been able to email! You guys rock! For Jasmin3 Firewing - now, I can't give _too_ much of the plot away (especially since I haven't written it yet), but I think all will become clear as the story progresses

****

Chapter 3

Shooting the Breeze

The Breeze was a small, Caribbean-styled restaurant located in the very heart of tourist alley in Orlando. Surrounded by a huge, wrap-around porch, decorated with colorful fish, shells, nets, and water-inspired artwork, pulsing with reggae music, The Breeze happened to be a favorite meeting place for Elves. Partly because of the coconut encrusted shrimp entree, which, for some reason, Elves simply adored, but mostly because of the gigantic frozen Margaritas the establishment served.

Elrond, Elladan, and Elrohir had commandeered the largest table in the house, and sat talking quietly among themselves, occasionally sipping out of the huge Margarita glasses in front of them. They were aware, as always, of the sideways glances, and outright stares, of the human diners, but had learned over the centuries to ignore them. For the most part, it was the females doing the staring. It wasn't unusual for females, and sometimes males - which was another story altogether - to approach them, or try to buy them drinks. Depending on the circumstance, the Elves often welcomed the company.

Elves weren't _nearly_ as plentiful as humans, having learned long ago the art, and benefits, of contraception - unlike humans, who seemed to breed like rabbits - but there were enough of them to be fairly commonplace. Half-Elven were quite a bit more widespread than full-blooded Elves, but, since you really couldn't tell the difference by sight, most humans didn't make the distinction.

Like almost all races on the planet, there had been difficult, dark times in Elven history. After the War of the Rings, the world of Men had grown by leaps and bounds, encroaching on the territory of Elves. Skirmishes had progressed into all out war, and eventually, the Elves were overpowered by numbers - as skilled and deadly fighters as the Elves were, Men simply outnumbered them. There was a black period of time during the Middle Ages when Elves were often labeled "witches" or "demons" and persecuted as such, or simply taken as slaves.

However, their love of art, music, and writing transcended their bonds, and the Renaissance blossomed from their efforts. Many of the great works of art that survived from that period were inspired by Elvesfor example, if one had been able to pull back Mona Lisa's hair, one would have seen pointy ears. Mona hated that painting to this day, because she insists that not only did Da Vinci make her look fat, but he forgot to give her eyebrows.

Eventually, Elves found themselves the favorites of the courts, and saw their freedom restored. Living and working side by side with humans, they traveled extensively, many even sailing west to the New World, which the humans called the Americas, but the Elves called Aman.

Which brings us back to The Breeze, where other Elves had begun to arrive. Galadriel and Celeborn had arrived, along with Glorfindel, Erestor, Rumil, and Orophin. Bright smiles, warm hugs, and much backslapping ensued as they greeted one another.

"Galadriel! You look as beautiful as ever," Elrond said, kissing her slim hand.

"Elrond, you're still the charmer!" She giggled. "And look at your boys! Why I never would have thought they could be so well behaved!"

Laughing, Elladan said, "It's been many centuries since we ran wild and pulled pranks on everyone. We're all grown up now, Grandmother!"

"Uh, ohI wouldn't call her _'grandmother'_ if you know what's good for you, Elladanshe thinks it makes her sound old!" Celeborn laughed, kissing his wife on the cheek.

"Don't you believe him for one minute, Galadriel," Elrond said, jerking his thumb at his handsome son. "Just last week they had 42 pizzas sent to my house at four o'clock in the morning. They're every bit as mischievous now as they were a thousand years ago!"

"Where's Arwen and Eldarion?" asked Erestor, seeing Elrond's daughter and grandson were missing from the table.

"They're in Japan, promoting their new line of cosmetics. They couldn't get back here in time, but I promised to fill them both in when they get back."

"Glorfindel!" Elrohir said, thumping the older Elf on the back. "I hear the Devils may get to the playoffs this year!"

"Of coursehow could they not if I'm playing for them?" Glorfindel replied, lifting an eyebrow.

"Still the humble balrog-slayer, huh?" Erestor laughed, shaking hands with his old friend.

"I calls 'em as I sees 'em, 'Restor," Glorfindel chuckled, taking a seat at the table.

"How's your big brother doing these days?" Celeborn asked Rumil and Orophin. "I can't seem to pass a magazine stand lately without seeing his ugly puss staring out at me!"

"Ugly puss, huh?" Haldir said, as approached their table. "I'll have you know that this 'ugly puss' is one of the highest paid models in the industry!"

"Ugly is ugly, no matter how much money it earns!" Celeborn laughed, hugging Haldir.

Looking around, Haldir asked, "Where's Legolas? It figures that I'd fly all the way down here, and he's late"

Waitress brought more Margaritas to the table, as the Elves talked about old times, and got caught up on each other's lives. Suddenly, a flurry of interest at the entrance caught their attention.

A tall figure had stepped through the door, dressed in a perfectly tailored, charcoal gray Armani suit, and Gucci sunglasses, long, silken, golden hair hanging halfway down his back. He strode into the restaurant oblivious to the stir he was causing, his attention focussed solely on the group of Elves seated toward the back.

Approaching the table, he broke out into a wide grin, as one after another of the Elves rose to greet him.

"Legolas!" Haldir exclaimed, gripping the newcomer in a tremendous bear hug. "Look at you! Is that Armani? You must be doing well!"

"Haldir, you old bear! It is so good to see youthank you for coming" Legolas replied pounding his friend on the back.

"Whoanever thought you'd be one to be a suit, Legolas!" Glorfindel laughed, looking his friend up and down. "You work in bank now, or something equally boring?"

"No, GloryI own a production company in L.A.," Legolas replied, smiling.

"Hollywood? _YOU_? Weren't you the one that was afraid those newfangled cameras would steal your soul?" Erestor teased, lifting an eyebrow.

"That was well over a century ago, Erestorso much has changed since then! Let's all sit down, so I can explain why I called you all here," Legolas chuckled, motioning for everyone to have a seat.

Sitting down, the conversation continued, each filling the others in on what had been going on in their lives lately. They ordered dinner - coconut encrusted shrimp all around - and refills on their drinks.

After dinner, the Elves gave Legolas their attention. Taking a swig of his frozen Green Apple Margarita, Legolas took a deep breath and began.

"I'm sure you all have seen the trilogy of movies by Peter Jackson called the Lord of the Rings, right?" he began, looking from face to face.

"Argh! Those movies were the bane of my existence for years!" Elrond said, rolling his eyes. "Every time someone heard my name, they'd ask me about that stupid ringor about _you_, Legolas! And exactly where did they find that actor to play me, anyway? Those eyebrows of his were annoying."

"After those movies came out, I realized that I should have wrung Tolkien's scrawny neck when he interviewed me for the books," Glorfindel added.

"You're just pissed because you weren't _in_ the movies, Glory!" Celeborn laughed, slapping his friend on the shoulder.

Legolas waited until the conversation died down, before continuing. He smirked a half-smile, and confessed, "I put some of the money up for those moviesand I was a consultant."

"WHAT? You backed those three-hour drivel marathons! Why?" Haldir asked, looking shocked.

"I take umbrage to calling them "drivel," Haldir," Legolas growled, a bit of the old warrior showing through his polished demeanor. "The last installment, Return of the King won 11 Oscarsdo you know how much money that translates into?"

"Is it all about the money, Legolas? I wouldn't have taken you for that type of Elf," Galadriel asked, looking concerned.

'Noit actually wasn't about the money at all. I have enough money to last me forever, between real estate and investments," Legolas answered, waving his hand dismissively. "It happened like thisI was producing a sitcom for FOX. As part of the publicity for the show, the actors paid a visit to a local elementary school and I went along. The classes we visited had both human children and elflings in them. When the kids realized I was an Elf, they started asking me all kinds of questionsand I realized that not one of them knew much about the history of Elves. No one knew what we had gone through back in the daywhat we had fought for sacrificed for_died_ for! Kids were taught history, but no one ever mentioned the War of the Ringas if it never happened! I wanted to change that. I wanted to make sure that everyone on the planet knew about Aragornabout Theodenabout Eowyn, Eomer, and Faramirthe Hobbits, Gimli, Gandalfeveryone! I took a look at the history Tolkien had written, and decided that they would make terrific feature films. I approached Peter Jackson, and, well, the rest is history!"

"Well, that explains a lot, and I now understand your motives, but what does that have to do with us?" Galadriel asked, spreading her hands out and indicating everyone at the table.

"Okay. I don't want anyone to say anything until after I've finished, and I want you all to give serious consideration to my proposal," Legolas continued, looking each of them in the eye.

"I'm giving a fundraiser to raise awareness of Elven historyand to raise money to institute a new history program in underprivileged school districts, as well as a scholarship fund. The actors from the movies will be making an appearance at the eventand I want you to be there as well."

"Us? Why us? No one will be interested in seeing us - well, maybe they'd be interested in seeing Haldir or Glorfindel, but who wants to see timeshare salesmen?" Elladan laughed, indicating Elrohir and himself.

"Right! Who's going to line up to see an investment broker?" Elrond said, meaning himself, "or the owners of a chain of health food stores?" He nodded toward Celeborn and Galadriel.

"Not to mention a boring corporate accountant like myself," Erestor chimed in.

"They _will_ be interested! This is _exactly_ what I've been talking about - you _are_ history! You were _there_! You would bring home the point that the history in the movies was real - the friendship, the magic, the love, the painall of it was real and happened to you!" Legolas exclaimed, fire in his eyes.

Stunned into silence, the Elves could do no more than look at each other.


	4. Driving Them Crazy

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** All rightthat chapter was a bit better. I look good in Armani, don't I? **Me:** You'd look good in a burlap sack, Lego, and you _know_ it. **Legolas:** I can't help it if I cut a striking figure! **Me:** Notice I didn't have you wearing a hat, though. **Legolas:** I _did_ notice thatwhy not? **Me:** They don't make any big enough to fit over your swelled head.

****

Chapter 4

Driving Them Crazy

Legolas waited patiently for his friends to digest the proposal he had laid out for them. He knew they were intriguedat least they hadn't thrown their Margaritas in his face.

"When is this fundraiser?" Haldir asked, the first to recover.

"Two weeks from Saturday. There will be about a thousand guestsfilm crews from all the major networks, and quite possibly a documentary crew from Peter," Legolas answered, thinking about the endless list of things that he needed to accomplish in order to make the fundraiser happen in just over two weeks.

Haldir flipped open his phone and dialed a number. "Sylvia? It's Haldir. Let me speak to Arnie," he said to whoever it was he was calling. "Arnie? Yeah, I'm fineno, I had to take a quick trip to Florida. _Florida_yeah. Nothing you need to be concerned about - it's personal. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Listen, Arnie, what do you have scheduled for me two weeks from next Saturday? Uh huh. Yeahoh, _that_cancel it." Haldir held the phone away from his ear as the person on the other end began screaming very loudly. "ArnieI don't care. I do not need another meeting with the Clairol people. _You_ handle it. I'm going to be doing a fundraiser for a close friend of mine. Just _do_ it, Arnie!" Haldir exclaimed, flipping the phone closed. He rolled his eyes at the phone, and exchanged a smile with Legolas.

One by one, each of the other Elves agreed to appear at the fundraiser. Legolas beamed, and nearly became emotional in thanking them all.

"I have to fly back tonight because I have a shoot tomorrow in New York, but I'll be in touch," Haldir said to Legolas as he got ready to leave.

Celeborn, Galadriel, Elrond, Erestor and Glorfindel also made their farewells, promising to clear their schedules for Legolas' fundraiser. Elrond promised to speak to Arwen and Eldarion about appearing at Legolas' fundraiser. Soon, the only ones left at the table were Legolas, Elladan, and Elrohir.

Elladan drained the last of his Margarita, and said, putting his empty glass down, "So what are three dashing Elves to do tonight? I vote for hitting the clubs."

"I second," Elrohir laughed, draining _his_ glass.

"I really should get back to the hotel," Legolas said, smiling at the twins. "I have to fly back to L. A. tomorrow, and finish setting the details for the fundraiser."

"Man, Legolaswhen did you turn into your father?" Elrohir teased, causing Legolas to raise an eyebrow.

"I am not my fatherthough Thranduil will be at the affair, as well. I just have a lot of responsibilities"

"Sure, sure. The Legolas _I_ remember used to _jump_ at the chance for merrymaking. Remember the Prancing Pony? Man, we used to kick _ass_ in there!"

"Speaking of kicking ass, I heard about a brand new club downtown called 'The Edge' that's supposed to do just that. We should check it out!" Elladan said. "Of course, it _is_ geared toward a younger crowdyou may not fit in, Legolas." The twins' eyes lit with a mischievous light.

"Are you calling me _old_?" Legolas asked, "I'll have you know that the people _I_ party with make our antics at the Prancing Pony look like Sunday School," Legolas scoffed haughtily.

"Hey! Don't get your Armani in a twist, palyou're the one complaining about all the responsibilities you have," Elladan laughed. "'You can't help it if you've let yourself go over the yearslost some of your staminathat's just normal as you grow older."

"I am NOT old! I'm only a few centuries older than you two!" Legolas said forcefully, his eyes narrowing at the twins.

"Then prove it! Come on, it'll be fun! You don't have to stay out all night" Elrohir laughed, knowing they had just found Legolas' weak spothis vanity.

"Fine! But I am not staying long," Legolas retorted, folding his arms over his chest. He called for the check, and handed the waitress a Platinum charge card. Signing the check, he smiled at the waitress as he handed it back to her. Elrohir and Elladan chuckled to see the waitress' phone number had been scrawled on the receipt.

"This is your car? Nice ride," Legolas commented on the midnight blue Mustang, as Elladan popped the locks. "You must be selling a lot of timeshares."

"Number one salesmen in the company!" Elladan said proudly.

"Number one salesmen in the _industry_!" Elrohir expounded, puffing out his chest.

"What do _you_ drive, Legolas?" Elladan asked curiously as they pulled away from the restaurant and made their way downtown.

Legolas mumbled something under his breath that neither twin, even with their Elven hearing, could catch.

"SorryI didn't quite hear what you saidwhat do you drive?" Elladan asked again.

"I don't"

"You don't own a car? With all _your_ cash?"

"I don't drive."

"You _don't_ drive? Are you kidding? You mean, you don't even have a _license_? Why_ not_, for Eru's sake?"

"I never learned how."

Elladan and Elrohir explode with laughter. "Oh, this is too rich! The legendary Legolas, former Prince of Mirkwood, former Lord of the Wood, current owner of a successful production company in L.A. doesn't know how to _drive_?"

Legolas shot them both a sour look. "I don't _need_ to drive, anyway. I have a chauffeur on staff."

Elladan grinned at his brother, and pulled into the empty parking lot of a supermarket. The twins got out of the Mustang, and held the door for Legolas to climb out of the back seat.

"This does not look like a club to me," Legolas observed, looking around the empty parking lot.

"It's not the club. Get in," Elrohir said, pointing to the driver's door.

"I told you before, I don't drive," Legolas reiterated, a slight frown crossing his forehead.

"You will after tonight!" Elladan laughed. "Now get _in_!"

Legolas saw that the twins were not going to let up unless he gave it a shot. He slid behind the steering wheel, while the Elrohir got in the back, and Elladan took the passenger's seat.

"Okay, Legolasit's really easy. Just shift into drive, step lightly on the long pedal with your right foot, and steer the car."

Legolas shifted into drive, stepped on the gas and the car took off like a shot.

"You may want to explain about the brake pedal, 'Dan," Elrohir called from the back seat as the supermarket drew closer.

"Step on the other pedal to slow down, Legolas," Elladan explained, his eyes wide as he stared at the brick wall of the building that was looming nearer.

SCREEEEECH! POP! POP! Legolas jammed on the brakes, the car skidded to a stop inches from the building, and the airbags deployed.

Elladan looked at Legolas, his mouth hanging open, speechless.

'Ro's voice came from the floor of the back seat, "I think, perhaps, some Elves are not meant to drive, 'Dan."

"I think I'm getting the hang of thislet me try again," Legolas said, reaching for the shifter.

"NO!" The twins cried, both reaching out to keep his hands off the gearshift. Elladan quickly threw it in park, and pulled the keys out of the ignition.

"Might I suggest a driving school, Legolas?" Elrohir said, slumping back into the seat.

"I think perhaps you should leave the driving to the chauffeur - it's probably better for your image," Elladan added.

"It's probably better for anyone on the roads, too," Elrohir mumbled.

"Might I remind you that it was your idea?" Legolas admonished, still thinking he had done a credible job for his first time behind the wheel. "I think I may have to get a license when I get back to L. A."

"Just what the freeways need" Elladan chuckled. He switched places with Legolas, tucked away the airbags, and headed downtown.


	5. Elf Clubbing

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Elladan:** Snort! Legolas can't drive! That was so funny! **Elrohir:** I know, I knowwhat else can't he do? **Legolas:** Will you two _please_ stop going on about thatit's becoming annoying. **Elladan:** I'll bet he can't program a VCR, either! **Elrohir:** Or do the Sunday crossword puzzle without cheating! **Legolas:** THAT'S IT! AuthorI give you permission to drop their pants. Do it! Do it now! **Me:** Your wish is my command, Lego.

****

Chapter 5

Elf Clubbing

The midnight blue Mustang pulled up in front of The Edge. Elladan handed the keys to the valet and the three Elves made their way to the front door of the club. A long line of people waited behind red velvet ropes to be let into the club, but the handsome Elves were granted entrance immediately, much to everyone else's annoyance.

Entering the club, they were assailed by the loud, pulsing rhythms of the music, and voices of people shouting to each other to be heard. The dance floor was packed, as was the bar.

Elbowing his way through the crowd at the bar, Elladan bought them a round of drinks. Standing in a relatively quiet corner, the three Elves observed the club.

The bar was a gigantic chrome and black leather creation, set up against a mirrored back wall. The club was decorated to resemble a warehouse, with exposed beams and cracked concrete walls and floor. Fake crates, boxes and barrels were stacked there and there along the walls. A forklift, painted fluorescent pink, was parked near the back wall. Bright neon signs hung on the walls and from the ceiling. Small tables were scattered along edges of the huge dance floor, and a D.J. was in a booth overlooking the room.

"Elladan, who told you about this club?" Elrohir asked, narrowing his eyes at his brother.

"I don't rememberI think it may have been Rogeror was it Mark?"

"Elladan, can you tell me what is missing from this club?" Legolas asked, gesturing toward the dance floor.

"What? Good music, big dance floor, cool atmosphere, well-stocked barwhat's missing?" Elladan asked, confused.

"Do you notice the dancers up in the cages?" Legolas indicated the three huge steel cages set up around the dance floor. The cages were suspended from the ceiling, elevated about six feet in the air, and swayed gently.

Elladan looked at the cages with a blank look on his face.

"Elladanthose are _guys_ dancing in those cages," Legolas pointed out.

"Naked guys," Elrohir expanded, frowning at his twin.

"They aren't nakedthey're wearing g-strings," Elladan noticed, still completely clueless as to what the fuss was about.

"Look at the dance floor. Who's dancing?" Elrohir sighed, growing impatient.

"Everybody," Elladan said.

"Still can't see what's missing, can you, 'Dan?" Legolas asked, high amused by it all.

"For Eru's sake, 'Dan! There are no females here! They're all guys! This is a _gay_ club, you moron!" Elrohir finally exploded. "Only _you_ would drag us all the way downtown to a gay club!"

Elladan's face paled as recognition set in. He noticed several men standing near them, and cringed when one of them winked at him.

"We need to get out of here," Elrohir said, putting his drink down on the counter of the bar. "We can go over to the Rose clubI know that one's safe."

Before the three could move more than a step or two, Elladan found himself being dragged onto the dance floor by a very big, very beefy guy in leather pants.

"Too late," Legolas snorted, watching Elladan try to edge his way back off the dance floor, only to be pulled back in. They could see him jumping up and waving frantically at them over the heads of the other dancers.

Legolas turned to tell Elrohir that they, perhaps, should go in and rescue Elladan, but found Elrohir being dragged off to the dance floor too.

Feeling a hand on his arm, Legolas turned to look into the eyes of a barechested, muscle-bound guy with a very large, goofy grin on his face.

"You're a pretty one! Let's go dance, sweetie," the man said to Legolas, tugging on his arm.

"I think not," Legolas said, not budging from his spot. He put on his best "Do NOT Screw With Me" face, and the man backed off.

Leaning back against the bar, Legolas watched 'Dan and 'Ro with amusement. "This should be good," he thought, sipping his drink.

Seeing some kind of commotion on the dance floor, Legolas stood on his tiptoes to try to see over the heads of the dancers. He watched two of the steel cages being lowered onto the dance floor, and started to smile as he saw two dark heads being pushed into the cages.

The cages were raised, and Legolas burst into laughter, sputtering over his drink. "Manof all times _not_ to have a camera!" He laughed, tears coming to his eyes.

Within the two cages, Elladan and Elrohir stood red-faced, gripping and shaking the bars of the cages, and yelling. Legolas couldn't hear what they were screaming over the loud music and shouts of the crowd, but he could imagine that it wasn't very nice, considering that both twins were completely naked.

Legolas drained his drink, and waved at the twins, who renewed their screaming and rattling of the cages in a frenzy. Calmly walking over to the bar, Legolas got the bartender's attention, handed the barkeep his business card, and asked to see a manager of the club.

A few moments later, a thin, short, balding man came out of an office near the bar. He motioned for Legolas to follow him into the office.

Shortly afterward, the same man, now sporting a very rumpled shirt, a black eye, and a very frightened expression, came back into the bar followed by a stern faced Legolas, and whispered something to two of the bouncers.

Within moments, Elrohir and Elladan were released from the cages, and escorted to their car, along with Legolas. Unfortunately, the bouncers had been unable to find the twins' clothing, so they were forced to drive home in their altogether, praying that they wouldn't get stopped by the police on the way.

Legolas was still chuckling madly in the back seat of the Mustang.

"Legolasdo you think you could manage to get a hold of yourself? None of this is very funny at all," Elrohir growled from the passenger seat.

"Are you kidding? This is the funniest thing I've seen in ages! You two are usually on the ones stealing someone else's clothesnot the ones being stripped! I can't wait to tell your father about this!"

"Legolas, if you say one word to anyone about this, I will personally send you to the Halls of Manos," 'Dan threatened, his fingers gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were turning white.

"Tsk, tsk, Elladandon't worry, I won't say anything. Not that you two didn't deserve itor have you forgotten about the time you put blue dye in my hair soap?"

"Legolas! That was a couple of thousand years ago! How long do you hold a grudge?" Elrohir asked, chagrinned.

"That was one of our better pranksyour hair was blue for an entire season!" Elladan laughed, forgetting for a moment that he was driving the car in the nude.

"'Dan! Don't encourage him! The entire planet will know about this! What do you think our boss will say if he finds out about it?" 'Ro admonished.

"Don't worry, 'RoI won't say a word to anyone," Legolas promised. "But don't think I'm going to forget about it, either. The image of you two screaming and rattling those cages is engraved in my memory for all eternity!"

Silently, the twins dropped a still giggling Legolas off at his hotel.

"ElrohirI'm hungry. Let's stop at Wendy's - they're open late."

The two, apparently blessed with a very short term memory, pulled into the drivethru at Wendy's, and ordered a couple of burgers, fries, and shakes. Paying the cashier, and taking the bag of food, they raised their eyebrows at the bug-eyed expression on the girl's face. Evidently, they had completely forgotten that they were naked.


	6. Ice, Ice Baby

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Me:** Elladan? Elrohir? Why are you looking at me like that? I thought you _liked_ this story **Elladan:** What were you _thinking_? **Elrohir:** How could you _do_ that to us? **Me:** Legolas told me to do it. **Elrohir:** If Legolas told you to jump off of a bridge, would you do it? **Me:** **Elladan:** Well? **Me:** Give me a minuteI'm thinking

****

Chapter 6

Ice, Ice Baby

"Glory! _Dude_what's with the hair, anyway? And those ears! Man, if you were blue, you'd look like Smurfette!" laughed the fresh-faced rookie who was sitting on the bench, lacing up his skates. He was brand new to the team, and had not been warned about the two things that you _NEVER_ asked the Captain about - his long hair, and his pointed ears. The other team members in the locker room cringed with anticipation of what they knew from experience would be a lesson learned for the rookie.

Before the rookie could blink, Glorfindel had exploded from his position in front of his locker, and had the newbie pinned up against the wall by the throat, his piercing blue eyes narrowed, and a low growl issuing from his chest.

"_What_ did you call me?" Glorfindel hissed, lifting the rookie so that his toes barely touched the floor. "I suggest that you apologize at once, you worthless, brainless, lump of _shit_, before I give in to the desire to remove your thoughtless head from your shouldersI'm sorry," the rookie squeaked, his eyes nearly bulging out of his head.

"Do not _ever_ speak to me unless spoken to! _EVER_. Do I make myself perfectly clear?" Glorfindel said in a soft, deadly voice. He released the new player, watching with satisfaction as he slid to the tiled floor. Glorfindel turned to his Assistant Captain, and said disgustedly, "Get him a new uniformhe's pissed this one."

The other players hid their grins behind their hands. They had all been through this trial by fire when they first joined the teamand had _all_ pissed their pants. It was a right of passage.

Glorfindel walked back to his locker, his expression grave and unapproachable, but chuckling to himself on this inside. "It never changesthey always try to bust my chops about the hair and ears. Just _once_, it would be nice to have a rookie try to bust me on my heightor my playing skillsanything but the hair and the ears!"

He quickly stripped out of his street clothes, and dressed in the red, black and white New Jersey Devils' uniform. Sitting on the bench, he slipped on his skates and began to lace them.  
  
"Captain," asked one of the more seasoned players, "He's still shakingand he can't make a coherent sentence."

Glorfindel sighed. "Maybe I was a bit over the top with himbut he did call me a Smurfette. By the way Glenn, what exactly _is_ a Smurfette?"

"Oh, noif I tell you, you'll only go after him again, and that would mean he'll spend the rest of the season in the psychiatric ward."

"That bad, huh?" Glorfindel chuckled. "Okaylet him in on the ritual. He'll be sitting on the bench this game anywayjust try not to have him pee in front of the coach. Larry gave me hell the last time one of my rookies did that."

"You got it, Captain," Glenn said, turning to go and tend the rookie, who was still sitting slumped against the wall, wide-eyed and shaking.

The coach walked into the locker room just as Glenn and another player were helping the rookie to his feet. A quick look at the terrified expression on the rookie's face, in conjunction with the stain spread across the front of his pants, made the coach grimace and roll his eyes.

"Glorfindel! What have I told you about making the rookies pee their pants?" he yelled, standing in front of the tall elf, his hands on his hips.

"Larryhe called me a Smurfette. What was I supposed to do?"

"I don't care if he called you Martha Stewart in drag! DO NOT make the rookies pee their pants! It's costing the team a fortune in dry cleaning bills and therapy. DO NOT make me tell you again!"

"Yes, mother."

Glorfindel was the only player, in the coach's twenty some-odd years of coaching that could get away with speaking to him in such a manner. Basically, it was because the first time the coach had tried to get up in Glorfindel's face, Glorfindel had made _him_ piss his pants. However, Glorfindel was also the best player in the NHL, and had earned the Devils an entire collection of Stanley Cups over the years. He also packed the arena for every single gamenot only with hockey fans, but with female Glorfindel fans, as well. They had season ticket holders who couldn't give a _fig_ about the gamethey came _only_ to see Glorfindel. The team made a _fortune_ selling tee shirts, buttons, big foam fingers, pennants, and posters with his picture or name on them - the coach thought privately that they could probably tack a turd to a board and sell it, as long as the board had a photo of Glorfindel on it.

"It's almost game time. Get your sarcastic Elven ass out on the ice," the coach said, turning his back on Glorfindel. He glared at the other players on his way out of the locker room, as if daring any of them to even crack a smile about his conversation with the Captain.

Glorfindel was smiling as he made his way out of the locker room, followed by the rest of team, including the still very pale rookie, and lined up at the entrance to the ice. Game time always cheered him upbecause there was _always_ a fight. And if there was one thing Glorfindel _lived_ for - it was a good, old-fashioned, knock-some-heads-together, brawl. After all, he _was_ an expert at it.

The first period saw Glorfindel earning a penalty within the first fifteen seconds of the game. "Five minutes for roughness" was the official call. Unofficially, the refs took bets with each other on the total penalty minutes Glorfindel would rack up during the game. His current record was eighteen, and an expulsion from the game.

As the Captain of the other team skated past the penalty box, Glorfindel gave him a big, toothy grin. Glorfindel liked smiling at the opposing team players, because he, of course, still had all of his own teeth, yet had been responsible for so many of his opponents losing _theirs_. Every gap-toothed snarl he received in return warmed his warrior's heart.

He once again congratulated himself on the choice of a perfect careerhe'd had many over the course of his long, long life. Most of them had been mercenary positions, but hockey player was proving to definitely be the most fun.

The opposing team's Captain skated by the penalty box yet again, sneering. He rapped on the glass with his stick, shouting, "Glory! I'm gonna break your neck when you get out of that box! You're not going to know what hit you! I'm a freakin' bad ass!"

"Yeah," Glorfindel thought, smirking "You're a real bad ass., alright. Tell you whatfight a balrog, and _then_ we'll talk about bad ass!"


	7. Beverly Hills, That Is

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Me:** Legolasthe twins are mad at me. **Legolas:** Wellwhat did you _expect_? **Me: **You _TOLD_ me to do it! **Legolas:** I _told_ you to drop their pants! There is a distinct difference between pants-dropping and naked Elves in a steel cage in a gay bar! **Me:** There's a _difference_?

****

Chapter 7

Beverly - _Hills_, That Is

"We've got a few weeks of vacation coming, you know" Elrohir said conversationally, stirring the cream into his coffee. "We should take it soon, before it gets busy again." Trying to appear nonchalant, he picked up a section of grapefruit and sprinkled it generously with sugar.

Elladan looked up from the newspaper he was reading, cocking an eyebrow at his twin. "What brought this on? Just last week you said we needed to spend more time at the office to increase our percentages"

"That was before I realized that we have a friend in Hollywood," Elrohir laughed. "Come on, 'Danwe have to go out there at the end of next week anyway - we promised Legolas. Let's just go out a little early and have some fun!"

"Wellwe _could_ use a vacation" Elladan agreed, a slow smile edging its way across his face. The two of them jumped up from their chairs and raced each other down the hall to the small office between their bedrooms. Both making it to the doorway at the same time, their broad shoulders became wedged in the door as each tried to beat the other to the computer. Elrohir slipped through first, parked himself in the chair at the desk, and booted up the computer.

'Dan put one hand on the computer desk, leaning over his brother's shoulder, as Elrohir pulled up the flight schedule for their favorite airline at Orlando International Airport.

"There's a three o'clock flight today to L. A.," Elrohir said, running his finger down the numbers on the screen.

"Book itand don't go coach - I want first class. I'll call the office and tell the boss that we're taking our vacation," Elladan smiled, picking up his cell phone and dialing. Elrohir could hear him arguing with their boss about the short notice, but, considering how much the two had made for the resort over the years, the argument was short lived. Elrohir made the reservations for two roundtrip, first class tickets to L. A.

The two spent the morning in a packing frenzy, throwing clothes, shoes, and half the apartment into a rather haphazard collection of suitcases.

"Elrohir, why are you taking this?" Elladan asked, looking down into his brother's suitcase.

"We may need it out there," Elrohir replied, not turning from his task of folding underwear.

"I doubt that we'll be needing an eggbeater, 'Ro," Elladan said, pulling the kitchen utensil from his brother's bag. "I also doubt that we'll be needing a power drill."

"I don't like to be unprepared," Elrohir said indignantly, casting a look over his shoulder at his brother.

"Tell you whatif we need to drill any eggs while we're there, I'll buy you new ones," Elladan replied, rolling his eyes. He finished his own packing, and went into the kitchen to wait for Elrohir, not noticing that 'Ro slipped the eggbeater and power drill back in his suitcase, along with two cans of Fix-A-Flat and a roll of duct tape.

"Never hurts to be prepared," Elrohir thought to himself, snapping the suitcase shut and wheeling it into the living room.

Within a few hours of their decision, the twins were seated in the first class section of the plane, watching the runway speed by as the plane took off.

"Elrohirdo you think we should have called Legolas? We don't know where he lives."

"Nah! That would ruin the surprise. We'll swing by his office when we get therehe must be listed in the phone book,:" Elrohir replied, waving his hand dismissively.

They weren't long into the flight, when Elladan excused himself to use the restroom. 'Ro's eyes following him disinterestedly as his brother made his way up the aisle. Picking up a flight magazine, Elrohir began reading an article about the nightlife in L. A.

'Ro looked up from his magazine about fifteen minutes later, when a rather disheveled Elladan took his seat. 'Dan's shirt was partially untucked, and his hair was pulled out from the ponytail he had had it in when he had gone into the bathroom. Elrohir looked at his brother askance.

"Mile high club?" Elrohir asked, cocking an eyebrow and smirking.

"Yup."

"Who?" Elrohir asked, his head swiveling to survey the cabin. "That brunette with the blue silk shirt?"

"Nope."

"The redhead three rows back with the freckles?"

"Nope."

"Flight attendant?"

"Nope."

"Well_who_ then?"

"Co-pilot."

"You screwed the Co-pilot in the bathroom? _Please_ tell me the Co-pilot is a female."

'Dan gave Elrohir a disgusted look. "Of _course_, she's a female - very limber, by the way. Practices Tai Chi."

Elrohir nodded, and went back to reading his magazine. This happened to one or the other of them every flight - sometime both, sometimes more than once a flight. They didn't mind at all - it helped pass the time.

Arriving at LAX, Elrohir noticed the confused smile the Co-pilot gave them as they disembarked. She probably couldn't tell which one she had done the in-flight hokey pokey with. Smiling back, they waved, and walked into the airport.

Picking up their luggage at the carousel, they went outside and found a cab, and piled their luggage in the trunk.

"Where to?" the driver asked, looking at them in his rear view mirror.

"Umdon't know, really," Elladan said, looking questioningly at Elrohir.

"Ever heard of Greenleaf Productions?" 'Ro asked the driver.

"The one that's having that big shindig next week with all the characters from the Lord of the Rings? Yeah, that's all everybody's been talking about lately. You two working that party?" the driver asked, noticing their pointed ears.

"Sort ofcan you take us to their offices?"

"Sure thing, Bud." The driver pulled away from the curb, and they were soon flying down the freeway. Pulling up in front of an imposing dark glass building, he helped unload their luggage on the sidewalk.

The twins looked up at the building and saw "Greenleaf Productions" spelled out in shiny brass letters over the doorway, along with Legolas' logo of a bow and quiver of arrows.

Dragging their luggage into the foyer of the building, they approached the security desk.

"We'd like to see Legolas Greenleaf, please," Elladan said, placing his hands on the high counter of the security desk.

"You two have an appointment?" the guard asked, looking from one to the other.

"Not exactly, but he'll want to see us," Elrohir replied.

"Right. You two clowns know how many wannabes we get in here every day? Mr. Greenleaf never sees _anybody_ without an appointment - _ever_. Now beat itI've got things to do," the guard said, turning back to the baseball game he had been watching on the small screen behind the desk.

The twins stared at each other, looked at the guard, then back at each other. Without saying a word, they both reached over and grabbed the guard's arms, hauling him up over the top of the desk.

Elrohir looked into the guards eyes, and growled, "If Mr. Greenleaf knew how you had just insulted two of his dearest friends, you would be sporting a arrow through the back of your head, right about now. Get on the phone, you lazy, disrespectful piece of shit, and call his office. Tell him that the Peredhil twins, 'Ro and 'Dan, are here."

The guard gulped as the twins released him. Looking at the faces of the incensed Elves, he quickly dialed the number for Legolas' office.

"Suzy? Umthere are twogentlemen here to see Mr. Greenleaf. No, they don't have an appointment. I told them that already. Suzy, if you want to get rid of them, get your fat ass down here and do it yourself! GoodI'm sending them up." The guard pointed toward the elevators in the lobby. "Tenth floor, second door on the right."

He watched until the elevator doors closed on the twins, then sighed. "This town gets nuttier every day. Damn Elves."

Stepping off the elevator, Elladan and Elrohir opened the second door on the right, and walked into the waiting room of Legolas' office. The office was tastefully decorated in cool greens - Legolas had always been partial to green. A surly looking secretary was staring at them from her desk, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Didn't the guard downstairs tell you two that Mr. Greenleaf _never_ sees _anyone_ without an appointment?"

"Yes, but he'll see us," Elrohir replied, smiling at the girl.

Looking at that endearing grin on that handsome face, his brother's face a mirror image - smile and all, the girl couldn't help smiling a little in return.

"Look, I'd get you in if I could, but I have strict ordersit would mean my job!" she said, spreading her hands out in front of her.

"Is he in there?" Elladan asked, nodding toward a door to the immediate right of the secretary's desk.

"Yes, but he's on a conference callI can't disturb him."

"_You_ can't, but _we_ can!" Elrohir smiled, stepping toward the door.

"NO! Please - you'll get me fired!"

"Surely Legolas isn't that much of a jackass," Elrohir laughed, putting his hand on the doorknob. His comment elicited a gasp from the secretary.

"Mr. Greenleaf is a very good employer! You just don't understand how many people we get in here every day trying to get in to see him"

"Don't worry, sugarwe won't let him fire you," Elladan said, turning on the charm.

Before she could say another word, the twins opened the door and stepped into Legolas' office. The secretary ran in behind them, frantically pulling on their arms, trying to get them out of the room. Of course, she couldn't budge them an inch.

Legolas looked up from his seat at his desk. His feet were propped up on it, as he spoke into the hands free headset he was wearing. "Peter, I've got to goI'll call you back," he said, taking the headset off and standing up.

The three elves stared at each other, as Legolas walked slowly around his desk. Breaking out into three huge grins, the three started laughing.  
  
"Suzy, it's okay" Legolas said, noticing that his secretary still had a grip on Elrohir right arm and was pulling backward with all her might.

"They just wouldn't listen, Mr. GreenleafI told them that they couldn't just barge in like this!" Suzy apologized, still yanking on Elrohir's arm.

"It's okaythey're friends of mine," Legolas said. Turning to the twins, he admonished, "Really, guysyou could have called and saved Suzy a few gray hairs. When did you get in?"

"Just nowour luggage is downstairs," Elladan laughed. Turning to Suzy, he apologized for their behavior. Looking up into his dark eyes, the secretary became quite flustered, and just backed out of the room without another word.

"Where are you staying?" Legolas asked, looking from one twin to the other.

'Don't know yetthis trip was spur of the moment," Elrohir laughed.

"Good! You can stay at my place. Let me wrap up a few things here, and we'll go," Legolas said, gesturing them to have a seat.

He made a few phone calls, then stood. "I'm glad you decided to come out early. I've got a party to attend tonight - you're going to be a big hit!"

Elladan and Elrohir looked at each other, grinning. The two of them and Legolas at a party? It was going to be just like old times.


	8. Brass Monkey

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Elladan:** That was much better. I always wanted to be a member of the Mile High Club! **Anonymous Little Kid Who Adores LOTR:** What's the Mile High Club? **Elladan:** Oh, The Mile High Club is you fu. **Me:** _FUDGE!_ The Mile High Club is when you make _fudge_ on an airplane! Who let this kid in here? Elrohirwas it you? This fic is rated PG13this kid's too young to be reading this stuff! **Elrohir:** It wasn't me **Legolas:** Tee, hee. **Me:** Legolas! _You're_ the one! Oh, you are in for it now, Lego. **Anonymous Little Kid Who Adores LOTR: **Don't you yell at Legolas like that! He's my favorite Elf! (_kicks author repeatedly in shins_) **Me:** Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. **Legolas:** Payback's a bitch, isn't it?

****

Chapter 9

Brass Monkey

The limousine dropped the three Elves at the door of Legolas' Beverly Hills home. Mansion was actually a better word for the sprawling, two story, Mediterranean Style, Spanish tiled structure, with its many archways, potted flowers and shrubs, and huge, manicured lawn.

"Wow, Legolaswe knew you were doing well, but not _this_ well!" Elladan said, properly awed by the tremendous house. "How many bedrooms does this have?"

"10 bedrooms, six and a half baths, library, media room, den, living and dining rooms, ballroom, and kitchen. It's about 12,500 square feet total. But come in, and I'll give you the nickel tour," Legolas replied.

A short while later, Legolas left the twins in their rooms, to which their luggage had been taken by the house staff. The twins were very impressed by the entire 'Beverly-Hills-Big-Money' thing, as they referred to it. Both rested a while, before beginning to get ready for the party Legolas had mentioned.

The party was to be held at some famous actor's place - well, Legolas had said he was famous, but the twins had never heard of him. They didn't go to the movies often. When they did go, they were usually too busy playing tonsil touchdown with their dates to actually _watch_ the movie.

"What's this guy's name, again, 'Ro?" Elladan asked, as he straightened the cuffs of his white dress shirt. His brother looked at his reflection in the mirror as he stood behind him, dressed in an identical white shirt, and matching black pants.

"JohnnyDip? Dap? I don't rememberall I remember is Legolas saying he was famous, and was staying here in the States for a short time while filming a movie."

A knock on the door brought Legolas into the room. He was dressed in a pale gray silk shirt, open at the throat, and finely tailored dark gray pants. His hair was neatly pulled back at the nape of his neck.

"You guys almost ready?" Legolas asked.

"Yup, ready, willing, and most certainly able!" laughed Elrohir. The twins moved to the bedroom door to step out into the hall.

"Guys?" Legolas smirked, "shoes?" He looked down at the twin's bare feet.

Thirty minutes later, the trio of Elves pulled up in front of a modern looking, concrete and glass home in Bel Air Estates. The home was brightly lit, and the twins could see a crowd of people inside through the huge ceiling to floor windows.

Legolas led the twins inside the house, where he was greeted every six inches or so by someone he knew. The twins looked at each other, thinking that at this rate, it would take them four hours to walk the thirty feet to the bar.

"Legolas!" called a voice from their left. Turning, the twins noticed a young man with a dark mohawk approaching Legolas.

Legolas smiled and answered, "Orlando! How are youit's been a while! I don't think I've seen you since New Zealand!"

"No, we saw each other briefly at the Oscarsremember?"

"Oh, yesoh, Orlando, I'd like you to meet two of my oldest friends. This is Elrohir, and this is Elladan. Guys, this is Orlando Bloom," Legolas said, making introductions all the way around.

'Hey," Elladan said.

"Nice hair," Elrohir said.

"_Fascinating_you're Elves, too. The only Elf I've ever known personally was Legolas."

"Guys, Orlando played me in the movies," Legolas said, seeing the blank, totally unimpressed looks on the twins' faces.

"Ohby the way Legolas, exactly why weren't _we_ in the movies?" Elladan asked, still not impressed by the actor.

"Uhyou seeoh, look! Isn't that Neve Campbell?" Legolas said, looking behind the twins. The twins heads nearly swiveled 180 degrees on their shoulders. Legolas took the moment to roll his eyes at Orlando, who simply shrugged.

Leading the twins to the bar, he got the three of them drinks. He led them through the room, introducing them to this celebrity, or that director. When Legolas got into a longwinded discussion with an agent about whether or not the agent's client would be interested in doing a pilot for ABC, the twins took the opportunity to slip away.

"This is his idea of a _party_?" Elrohir asked Elladan, gesturing to the subdued room of elbow-rubbers and see-and-be-seen-with wannabes.

"Pretty dull, huh?" came a voice from behind them. Turning, they saw a tall pretty blonde looking at them. "I like, _hate_ parties that are just an excuse to hobnob. I'm Jennifer, and these are my friends, Amber and Buffy," she said, motioning to the extremely attractive blondes behind her. All three were dressed in very low cut shirts, and very short skirts. All three also had enormous boobs, and legs that went up to their ears, which was what _really_ caught the twins' attention.

"I'm Elrohir, and this is my brother, Elladan. We're here with Legolas Greenleaf."

"Oh, like, my _GOD_! Oh, _wow_! You know _Legolas_? Like _personally_? Omigod! I've _always_ wanted to meet him! Can you like, introduce us? Is he as bitchin' in bed as everybody says he is? Is that the _real_ color of his hair? My friend Amber said that it like, couldn't be, mostly, but I think it is! OmiGOD!" Buffy prattled, never taking a breath.

"Omigod, Buffy! Like, take a chill pill alreadyGOD! Like, I hate when you run off at the mouth like this, and act like some grody joanie!" Amber said, rolling her eyes at her friend.

"Um, ladiesperhaps we could find somewhere more secluded in which to continue this conversation?" Elrohir asked, smiling his debonair smile at the trio of giggling blondes. "Please, allow my brother, Elladan, to escort you, while I fetch Legolas"

The girls giggled, and surrounded a grinning Elladan. He led them up the stairs, searching for a more private locationpreferably one with one or more beds in it.

"Legolas" Elrohir said, tapping the tall Elf on the shoulder, interrupting Legolas' conversation with the agent. Turning to face his friend, Legolas gave Elrohir an inquiring look.

"Come on, Legolasyou have to come with me NOW."

"What's wrong? What did you two do, _now_?" Legolas asked, a worried expression crossing his face.

"Nothingyet. Come _on_," Elrohir said, yanking on Legolas' arm to drag him away. Legolas threw an apologetic look at the agent, and allowed Elrohir to lead him upstairs.

Poking his head in every room on the second floor, Elrohir finally found the one that Elladan and the girls had settled into.

The room was lovely, decorated in soft earthy colors, warm wooded accents, and Irish lace curtains.

It also boasted a tremendous, king-sized bed.

"Omigod! It's him! It's LEGOLAS!" cried Buffy, flinging herself on the surprised Elf. He caught her out of reflex, but the impetus pushed him against the back wall. He held the girl at arm's length, looking over her shoulder at the twins, who were busy alternately guzzling champagne from the bottles Elladan had grabbed on his way up the stairs, and nuzzling the other two blondes, on the giant king-sized bed.

Placing the girl to one side, hoping against hope that she would shut up for just five seconds, he walked over to the bed and pulled the bottle of champagne from Elladan's hand.

"Exactly what do you think you're doing?" he asked.

"Mmmf. Mmmfmm, Mffmmm," Elladan said, trying to speak around Amber's tongue as it tried to tie itself in a knot around his own.

"Oh, for Eru's sake" Legolas said. He shrugged and took a deep drink from the bottle. By this time Buffy had his pants halfway down to his ankles, and struggling seemed moot.

Morning sun filtered into the room through the Irish lace curtains, causing Legolas to stir, then groan in pain. "Oh, my head!" he murmured, putting his hand on the crown of his skull. He sat up, looking around the room. The girls were gone, and 'Ro and 'Dan were snoring on the bed.

"My, it seems like _you_ had a good time at my party," came a voice from the door. "I didn't know you were gay."

"Argh. I'm _not_ gay, Johnny. We had women in here last night" Legolas tried to explain to his host.

"Sure you did" Johnny smiled, eyeing the two dark haired elves spread-eagled on the bed. "All I know is that when I passed this room last night, all I heard were male voices singing "_brass monkey, that funky monkey_" he chuckled as he walked away down the hall.

Legolas sighed and hit his forehead with his fist, immediately regretting it because of the white-hot pain that lanced his skull. "Greatjust _great_! Depp's going to have this spread all over town! He still hasn't forgiven me for not letting him play Aragorn in the movies." He looked over at the twins, still snoring on the bed. "I should have killed them both after the blue hair incidentwhen it was still _legal_ to shoot someone with an arrow."

****


	9. Glory and Hal In La La Land

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas: **Really, Authorcelebrity cameos? Don't you think that they have better things to do than appear in your fics? **Orlando:** Hey! I _asked_ to be in this fic - and so did Johnny. **Legolas:** Do you two _ever_ do _anything_ without each other? One would think you were joined at the hip. **Me:** Legoyou're pushing my buttons again. Leave them out of this, please. **Legolas:** I noticed you didn't drop _their_ pantsdo I detect some favoritism here? **Orlando:** You're really fixated on the whole "pants-dropping" thing, aren't you Elf? You want to see pants dropping? Fine! (_drops pants_) There! Happy, now? **Legolas:** Do you _really_ want the entire world to see that you're wearing Thundercats Underoos, Orlando? **Me:** _Now_ do you see why _I_ didn't drop their pants? You've just managed to ruin the fantasies of millions of fangirls - nice job, Lego.

****

Chapter 9

Glory and Hal in La La Land

Glorfindel and Haldir had spoken several times during the week, and had decided to fly out to L. A. a couple of days early. They booked seats on the same flight, and flew out two days before the event.

Riding in back of the limousine they had hired, Glorfindel turned to Haldir and asked, "Have you thought about what you're wearing to the fundraiser, yet? I only own a couple of suitsI hate that whole 'dressing up' thing. Guess I'll have to buy something while I'm out here."

"If there's one thing I have, Glory, it's clothes. But, I know every designer in townwe'll get you hooked up."

"Thanks. You know, I've been here for a few games, but I've never really taken in the sights."

"Let's go see a few things, then. We don't need to go directly to Legolas' house - he won't be home for a few hours yet anyway," Haldir suggested, looking at his Rolex.

For the next several hours, Haldir gave Glorfindel the grand tour of Hollywoodhitting every tourist trap in the neighborhood. Finally, they ended up in a bar somewhere off Sunset.

"I'm parched. Let's get a brew, okay?" Glorfindel said, pulling Haldir into the dim and dark interior. He walked up to the bar, and ordered a couple of Buds. Haldir looked around the bar with a growing feeling of unease.

"GloryI think maybe we should drink these fast and get out of here," Haldir said, sliding into a booth, trying not to make eye contact with anyone else in the bar.

"Why? My feet are killing meyou dragged me all over town today! I wanna sit for a while, if it's all the same to you."

"Glorythis is not just a neighborhood bar_this_ would be a biker bar."

"So?"

"Glory" Haldir said through clenched teeth, "Think about it. We've both got long hair. We're both dressed in ripped jeans and tees. We're bothshall we say - attractive? Neither of us rides a hog. We" He didn't get to finish his sentence because at that moment the two Elves were approached by several very large, very tattooed gentlemen.

The biggest one, wearing a vest that had an evil looking snake on the breast with the word "Tiny" embroidered above it, stood looking down at the two Elves.

"What are you two pansies doing in my bar?" he asked through a ZZ Tops beard and a mouth several teeth shy of a full set. At first Haldir thought he was winking at him, but then realized the expression on the man's face was due to a large, jagged scar that ran diagonally over his right eye.

"Having a beer," Glorfindel answered, not looking up from his brew.

"Not in my bar!" ZZ Tops made the mistake of putting his hand on Glorfindel's arm. CorrectionZZ Tops made the huge, colossal, irreversible mistake of putting his hand on Glorfindel's arm.

Haldir sighed, silently hoping that he could manage to get through this fight without needing too much plastic surgery.

Glorfindel exploded from his seat, and with one hand, sent ZZ Tops flying over tables, coming to rest in a heap at the foot of the bar. Haldir stood up, quickly scanned the remaining few bikers, and picked the one that looked like he had most recently bathed. Grabbing his arms, Haldir neatly hung him from the coat rack on the wall, where the man hung, frantically kicking his legs three feet off the ground, and swearing up a blue streak.

Glorfindel, completely in his element, quickly dispatched the other three bikers in a flurry of smashed chairs and beer bottles. Standing amid the ruin of the bar, the two Elves high-fived each other, just before the police arrived.

****

"Legolas?"

"Glorfindel? Where are you guys? I've been waiting at the house for hours! Are you lost?" Legolas asked when he answered the phone, watching Elladan and Elrohir float around in his built in swimming pool.

"No, we're not lost. Look, I need to make this fastI only have three minutes. Can you come to pick us up?"

"I'm in my swim trunkscan't you catch a cab?"

"No."

"Can I send the car to get you?"

"No_you_ have to come."

"Why?" Legolas asked, a little put off by Glorfindel's insistence.

"Because they said they'll only release us into your custody," Glorfindel replied, shooting the cop next to him a dirty look.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Legolas screamed into the phone, causing Elrohir and Elladan to fall off their floats into the water.

"Nothing! It was all a mix up, I swear! Just come and get us, okay?" Glorfindel replied, holding the phone away from his ear.

"How many bodies did this mix-up involve?" Legolas asked, running a hand through his hair, trying to calm himself.

"Just five. I've taken a lot more than that out during a game," Glorfindel replied.

"The difference being that it's LEGAL to beat people up during a game, Glory!"

"Hey - they started it!"

"They ALWAYS start it! Argh! All right, I'll get dressed and come and get you. Just remember - under NO circumstances are you to talk to ANYONE until I get there with my legal representativedo you understand?"

****

An hour later, Legolas led a sheepish looking Glorfindel, and a grumpy looking Haldir out of the police station. Both Elves had apologized profusely to Legolas for the trouble they caused, but secretly smiled at each other behind Legolas' back. Even Haldir had to admit that it had felt pretty good to use his fists after all the years of docility. If he had had his quiver, it would have been just like the old days.

As Legolas led them toward the car, they were suddenly hit by dozens of flashing lights as the paparazzi began snapping pictures, and sticking microphones in their faces. After all, word spreads quickly when one of the world's top male models and one of the world's best hockey players get arrested for fighting in a run-down, seedy biker barn in the worst section of Hollywood. Especially when they're bailed out of jail by one of the industry's biggest producers. The fact that all three were Elves wouldn't hurt publication, either.

Between the party last week and the gay rumors that had been floating around town since then, and now _this_, Legolas had a lot of damage control to do. Pushing Haldir and Glorfindel into the car ahead of himself, he wondered if California had the death penalty for Elves - because he was going to kill them all.


	10. PreShow Jitters

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Me:** Lego, I just heard from Orlando's attorney. He says you are to immediately cease and desist from mentioning anything about Mr. Bloom's underwear. **Legolas:** I didn't drop his pantshe did it himself. **Me:** I knowbut you were the one to point out what type of underwear he had on. **Legolas:** So? What's the big whoop? **Me:** Evidently, the type of Underoos he wears is a state secret. **Legolas:** Man, and this guy played _me_? Yeah, that's believable.

****

Chapter 10

Pre-Show Jitters

It was a full day before Legolas and his press agents could reverse some of the damage Haldir and Glorfindel had done in the few short hours they had been loose in Hollywood.

Glorfindel retold the story of the fight in the bar, much to Elladan and Elrohir's delight, but only when Legolas was out of hearing range - the Elf had actually turned purple when Glorfindel had begun to tell it in front of him.

Haldir, for his part, remained silent during the retelling - the only indication that he was listening at all was a very small smile that was barely one lip turned up a wee bit at the corner. He actually appreciated Legolas cleaning up their mess - the publicity might have damaged his career. Glorfindel, on the other hand, reveled in the headlines, clipping each one from each newspaper and pasting it neatly in a scrapbook purchased for the occasion.

The fundraiser was now just a day away, and the rest of the Elves Legolas had invited to attend were beginning to arrive. Erestor and Elrond had arrived together, and were now relaxing at the pool, both having liberally slathered on SP45 sunscreen all over their bodies, and bright blue zinc oxide on their noses and the pointed tips of their ears. Sporting Raybans and Speedos, they made quite the picture lying in their lawn chairs. It was however, the umbrella hats that made the twins collapse into fits of laughter, causing their father to throw his flip-flops at them.

Galadriel and Celeborn were the next to arrive, and had made themselves comfortable in the library. Heavily into the health scene, they had eschewed catching rays in favor of large glasses of carrot/wheatgrass smoothies and a couple of the classics in Legolas' collection. Galadriel was re-reading _Jane Eyre_, and Celeborn was re-reading this month's issue of _Playboy_.

Thranduil arrived, and was greeted warmly by the rest of the Elves. Still looking quite regal after all the centuries past, he immediately launched into a diatribe about the disappointment of never having been given grandchildren by Legolas. Legitimate ones, at any rate.

Next in the continuing line of arrivals were Orophin and Rumil, whom Glorfindel immediately pounced upon. Ushering them into one of the bedrooms, he told them the story of his and Haldir's bar fight, which by this time, was getting bigger and bigger with each telling. By the time Orophin and Rumil heard the story there had been over a _dozen_ bikers, each of whom were at least 7 feet tall and weighed roughly as much as a mid-sized Chevy. Within moments, Orophin and Rumil had cornered Haldir and were ribbing him for all it was worth. They had just gotten him to the point of violence, when Arwen and Eldarion came in the front door.

Arwen looked as incredible as always, elegant and radiant in her short, white Channel suit and Prada heels. Eldarion was the spitting image of his father, except for having his grandfather's hair and his mother's ears. He was dressed more casually than his mother, in a pair of jeans, a button down shirt, and tweed jacket.

Legolas hugged Arwen, who immediately began crying. This was one of the reasons Legolas tried to avoid her as much as possible. The years without Aragorn had not dampened her sadness at losing him, and quite frankly, after a fifteen hundred years, it was becoming a drag.

"He loved you _so_ much!" Arwen wailed, "He loved _everyone_ so much! Did you know he loved the Hobbits, and Gimli, and Gandalf, and Boromir, and Faramir, and Eowyn?"

"and the chambermaid, the cook, the laundress, and quite possibly - if rumors are to be believed - the stableboy," Elladan whispered to Elrohir, causing his brother to start snorting. Elrohir quickly covered his laughter with a rough coughing spell.

"Uncle Legolas! It truly has been too longit seems ages since I've seen you!" Eldarion cried, catching Legolas in a huge bear hug. Every male Elf older than himself was "uncle" to Eldarion and received huge hugs from him. Legolas thought privately that Eldarion enjoyed hugging adult male Elves just a bit _too_ much. Which probably accounted for the bright pink socks he was wearing.

"Well, now that everyone's here, we should go over the itinerary for tomorrow evening," Legolas said, rubbing his hands together and smiling.

"Itinerary? There's an itinerary? I thought we just had to show up," Elrond said, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, it really isn't muchjust a little, tinypresentation, that's all," Legolas said, realizing for the first time that the Elves might be a little gun shy of what he had planned.

"What kind of presentation, Legolas?" asked Erestor, immediately suspicious. He eyed Legolas' face, looking for any sign of deception.

"Umwell, I just have to introduce you, that's all," Legolas replied. It _was_ the truth, after all. Perhaps not the _complete_ truth, but the truth nonetheless.

"I suppose you would need to do that," Elrond agreed, "if no one knew who we were, it would defeat the entire purpose of our being there, right?"

There were general nods of agreement all around.

Erestor still wasn't convinced. "There's something you're not telling us, LegolasI've known you since you were an Elfling - I can tell when you're hiding something. Remember the time you broke Elrond's favorite mug and you tried to tell me that a balrog did it?"

"I was six at the time, Erestor"

"_He_ broke that mug? I _loved_ that mug! You told me _I_ did it in my sleep! " Elrond lamented, staring at Erestor.

"How would Erestor know what you did in your sleep, Ada?" Arwen asked, clearly confused by the entire thread of the conversation.

Legolas decided that he had better come clean about what he had planned, rather than risk a mutiny at the fundraiser. He explained, in detail, exactly what would take place. Elladan, Elrohir, Eldarion, Haldir, and Glorfindel didn't bat an eye, but the rest looked rather shell-shocked.

"I cannot do that!" Erestor blurted out, his face pale beneath the zinc oxide.

"Yes, you can, Erestor. You fought Orcs and Eru knows what elseyou can do _this_!" Legolas said, patting the nearly weeping Elf on the back.

"I'll throw up," Elrond warned, looking a bit green just at the thought. "I truly willall over the actors."

"You were Lord of Rivendellyou should be used to making public appearances," Legolas countered, "you won't throw up."

"For the love of all that's holy, Legolas, how did you ever dream this up?" Thranduil asked. "If you spent half as much energy on supplying me with grandchildren as you did on stuff like this, I'd have a couple of dozen by now!"

"AdaI've told you time and time again - I just haven't found the right elleth yet."

"Elleth, smelleth. Find _somebody_ for Eru's sake! After all these years, you shouldn't be too picky, you knowyou're not getting any younger!"

Legolas sighed, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat. He'd just have to play it by his pointy ear tomorrow night, and hope they'd all cooperate.


	11. The Fundraiser

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Me:** Elladanwhat are you doing? **Elladan:** Nothing. **Me:** What do you mean "_nothing_?" You're wearing Thundercat Under-roos on your head. **Elladan:** No, I'm not. **Me:** Yes, you areI'm not blind, you know. Where did you get them from? **Elladan:** K-Mart. **Me** (_reading nametag on inside of waistband_ These are Orlando's! How did you get these? **Elladan:** He gave them to me. **Elrohir:** Can I let Orli up now? He's beginning to turn purple. **Me** (_snatching Under-roos from Elladan's head_): I am putting these in the "Actors Who Play Elves Museum! Elrohir - get off of Orlando, and give him back his pants. **Elladan:** I never heard of that museumwhere is it? **Me:** In a sequined shoebox under my bed.

****

Chapter 11

The Fundraiser

The fundraiser was being held at the majestic Kodak Theater, home to the Oscar ceremonies. Hours before the event was to start, crowds began to gather behind the barriers, waiting to try to get a glimpse of the actors from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, as well as the fabled Elves themselves. Legolas had casually mentioned to several gossip columnists that the "original" Elves would be attending the event, and everyone was curious.

The front of the Theater was a madhouse of cameras, lights, and reporters, who lined the sides of the red carpet that led to the front doors of the Theater.

Limousines began arriving, and celebrities, dressed in their very best formal wear, dripping in gems, and waving and smiling at the cameras, stepped down the red carpet.

The Elves arrived in three limousines, pulling up to the curb at the same time. Flashes went off like strobe lights as the drivers opened the doors of the limos, and the Elves alighted onto the red carpet.

Arwen looked stunning in a full length, satin strapless gown of the palest pink. Legolas had requested that they all wear their hair in the traditional Elven braids, and her gleaming dark hair set off her mithril crown, which caught the light and sparkled.

Galadriel had chosen a flowing, gauzy gown of blue, trimmed with pale rosebuds. Her flawless, ageless complexion combined with her long, blonde hair and mithril crown made her look a bit like the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio, but the effect still worked for her.

All the males of the group were dressed in finely tailored black tuxedos, except for Eldarion, who had insisted on a powder blue tux with a white ruffled shirt. Regardless, there wasn't a human male in the crowd that could hold a candle to them. Evidently the females in the crowd agreed, because as they walked down the carpet the screams rose to such a pitch that several reporters later needed to be treated for temporary deafness.

Legolas had instructed the Elves to walk directly into the building, and not to answer any questions - there would be a press conference held after the event. Privately, he worried about what might escape Elladan and Elrohir's mouths without supervision.

Ushers led the Elves down to the first row of seats in the Theater, just in front of the orchestra pit. The stage was gigantic, and a heavy red velvet curtain trimmed with gold tassels hung all the way across it.

"We're in the wrong business, bro," Elladan said to Elrohir as they took their seats.

"I know what you meandid you hear those women screaming back there? We don't get that kind of reaction from the blue haired old ladies we sell timeshares to."

"Arwen, please try to refrain from weeping tonightyour mascara will run, and Legolas said that we'll need to pose for photos later," Galadriel whispered.

"Piss off, Galadrielyour husband's right next to youmine's dead. I'll cry whenever I want to" Arwen hissed. Nerves and PMS were working to make Arwen very irritable. "Ada, tell Grandmother to leave me alone!"

"Galadriel, reallyleave her be. You know how she gets this time of the month," Elrond cautioned his mother-in-law.

"ADA!" Arwen cried, smacking her father on the arm. "You don't need to advertise it!"

"Motherplease try not to shriek. It's not very attractive," Eldarion whispered, rubbing his ear. "I'd like to be able to hear what's going on tonight."

The auditorium filled up behind them, and soon enough, the lights were turned down, and a single spotlight illuminated the curtain on the stage. The conductor stood, held his baton aloft, and began to lead the orchestra in a beautiful medley of the music from the LOTR trilogy.

"Legolas," whispered Haldir, "why aren't you backstage?"

"Peter Jackson has agreed to emcee for me, since I'll need to be part of the introductions." Legolas answered, smiling. "Oh, by the way, about halfway through the presentation, I'll need everyone to come backstage with me to get ready to be introduced. Pass it on," he instructed Haldir. Haldir turned to Glorfindel and repeated Legolas' message. One by one Elven heads turned and whispered to the person next to them, until the last Elf in the row, Thranduil looked down the aisle at his son, and gave him a thumbs-up sign.

The orchestra's last note faded away, and the curtain parted. Peter Jackson walked out, looking every bit as disheveled as usual, in wrinkled tux and high top sneakers, and stepped up to a microphone and podium that was located to the far right of the stage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Elves and Elleths, welcome to the Fundraiser for Elven Studies. It is my honor to host this event"

Peter, evidently feeling rather longwinded that night, went on for about an hour, lecturing the audience on Elven history. Legolas rolled his eyes and whispered to Haldir, "I asked him to make it briefI should have just written his speech for him."

Eventually, Peter wound it up, and a large white screen was lowered from the ceiling in front of the curtain. A compilation of clips from the three Lord of the Rings movies was to be shown, complete with commentary from Peter. This was Legolas' cue to get the Elves backstage.

Quietly standing up, the Elves filed backstage with Legolas, where he brought them into two large dressing rooms that were connected by a green room. In the green room, Legolas addressed the Elves.

"Okaythis is it. As I explained to you yesterday, You'll find everything you need in these two dressing rooms. Please change quickly, and meet back herewe don't have much time. Legolas directed Arwen and Galadriel into the dressing room to the left, and everyone else into the dressing room on the right.

Several minutes later, the Elves met back in the green room, each smiling broadly at the others. Legolas led them all to the left wing of the stage, just as the movie clips were over. He took them onstage, behind the curtain, and up a flight of stairs to a platform that stretched across the stage. Lining them up, he stood in the middle of the line, and readied himself.

Peter waited until the applause had died down, then said, "It is my supreme pleasure to introduce the fine cast of these movies! Please help me welcome to the stage Viggo Mortenson, Ian Mckellen, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan, John Rhys-Davies, Elijah Wood, Sean Bean, Liv Tyler, Cate Blanchett, Marton Csokas, Craig Parker, Hugo Weaving, and Orlando Bloom!" The actors walked out, resplendent in their evening finery to thunderous applause. Each walked over to the microphone and said a word or two about the cause for the fundraiser.

After Orlando finished speaking, he, Craig Parker, Hugo Weaving, Marton Csokas, and Viggo Mortenson each picked up a round, flat object, about two feet in diameter. Jogging to the back of the auditorium they spread out against the back wall.

The lights were turned out in the theater, and the curtain silently opened revealing a completely black stage. Five thin spotlights illuminated the five targets that the actors in the back of the theater were now holding above their heads. Before the audience could blink, five silver arrows whizzed over their heads and embedded themselves in the center of the targets.

Applauding loudly, the audience turned back to the stage as crisscrossing spotlights revealed nine figures walking slowly through the fog that was now creeping all across the stage. As they entered the light, the Elves were revealed, each wearing a costume that was fashioned after their own wardrobe back in the Third Age. The five archers, Legolas, Haldir, Elladan, Elrohir, and Glorfindel carried their bows, leading the other four to the front of the stage.

Rising to their feet, the audience gave the Elves a five-minute standing ovation.

The introduction of the Elves went better than Legolas had dreamed possibleand he fervently hoped the after-ceremony party would go as smoothly. Unfortunately, considering the amount of alcohol that would be served, he doubted it.


	12. Elves Just Wanna Have Fun

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Who _ARE_ all these people, and what are they doing in your fic? Who's the guy with the eyebrows? **Me:** You know who they are, Legothey're the actors who played you and your friends in the movies. The guy with the eyebrows is Hugo Weaving. **Legolas:** Who names their kid "Hugo?" **Hugo:** Who names their kid "Greenleaf Greenleaf?" **Legolas:** You're doing the "eyebrow' thing againdon't do that - it freaks me out.

****

Chapter 12

Elves Just Wanna Have Fun

The press conference was held immediately following the end of the presentation. Legolas had paired the actors with their corresponding Elves for a photo opportunity, and had put Elladan, Elrohir, Glorfindel, Erestor, and Thranduil together with Sir Ian Mckellan, John Rhys-Davies, and the other actors who had played humans and hobbits. Presently, Elrohir and Elijah were involved in a rather intense staring competition.

"You're rather tall for a Hobbit," Elrohir said, looking down at the top of Elijah's head.

"I'm not really a HobbitI just played one in the movies."

"I don't believe you. Let me see your feet."

"For the last time, I am _not_ showing you my feet!" Elijah retorted, narrowing his eyes at the big Elf. Unfortunately, considering the size of Elijah's big baby blues, the effect was not nearly as intimidating as he had hoped.

Elrohir smiled to himself - this was fun! Did this little twerp actually think that Elrohir believed he was a Hobbit? Elrohir elbowed his twin, who immediately caught on.

"Of _course_ you're a Hobbitno human has eyes like that," Elladan said, advancing with Elrohir on Elijah. "Now, let us see your feet!"

"NO!"

"YES!" the twins cried, chasing after Elijah with every intention of pulling off his shoes and socks.

****

Haldir stood next to Craig Parker, who seemed absolutely fascinated by Haldir's hair.

"Is this really all yours? Come on, you can tell meyou've got extensions, right?" Craig said, trying to finger the hair flowing from Haldir's scalp.

"If you wish to keep those fingers still attached to your hands, I would suggest that you remove them from my head immediately," Haldir growled, shooting Craig an evil look.

"Jeezyou're pretty feisty for a dead guy."

"Do I _look_ dead to you? I am _not_ dead!"

"I _distinctly_ remember the death scene in the Two Towers - I was absolutely fabulous in that scene, by the way - and you went down looking like an overgrown porcupine."

"Were you _born_ this dense, or did you need to study? That scene was written for the movieit did _not_ happen that way. I was, er_am_ a hero! I don't know _what_ got into Legolas' head to allow them to kill me off like that anyway!" Haldir replied haughtily, shaking his head free from Craig's searching fingers.

****

Liv Tyler was having problems of her own. She had found herself holding an inconsolable Arwen in her arms, as the Elf weeped uncontrollably, blubbering to her about her dead husband.

"SOB! Surely you, of _all_ people, can understand how I feel? No one else does! SOB! SOB! SNIFF. How can I go on without him? SOB!"

Liv rolled her eyes and patted Arwen's back. Privately, Liv thought that if this weepy creature didn't stop leaking all over her brand new Versace, she might very well put her out of her misery herself, with a hard blow to the head with a heavy object.

Looking over to her left in an effort to find _something_ to distract Arwen, Liv spotted Viggo standing to the side, speaking quietly with Erestor. Smiling, Liv took Arwen by the arms, and shook her lightly.

"Arwenlook over there," Liv whispered, nodding to the left, "who do you see?"

"Erestor."

"No, not himthe other one_ARAGORN_!" Arwen flew across the stage, throwing herself at Viggo, knocking both of them to the ground. The force of the impact slid them both several feet across the stage. Arwen attached herself to Viggo by the lips, while Viggo's arms and legs waved weakly from underneath her.

****

Elrond was fascinated by Hugo Weaving's eyebrows.

"Come ondo it!'

"I've done it six times already, ElrondI refuse to do it again!" Hugo answered testily. "No one made this big a fuss about my eyebrows in the Matrix."

"Come onjust one more time"

"You are a most annoying Elf. Fine! But this is the _last_ time," Hugo replied, giving in. He raised one eyebrow to his hairline.

"That is SO freaky!" Elrond laughed, trying to mimic the eyebrow thing, but found that he couldn't get his own to move independently of each other. They both just bobbed up and down over his eyes at the same time.

"Stop that! You look ridiculous," Hugo said, frowning at Elrond.

"Oh, wow! They're just as freaky when you frown!" Elrond observed, now trying to get his own eyebrows to meet together in a frown like Hugo's.

"You haven't taken your medication tonight, have you?" Hugo sighed, backing away from the frantically frowning Elrond.

****

Cate Blanchett and Marton Csokas stood with Galadriel and Celeborn. Marton kept trying to put his arm around Cate, who kept wiggling away.

"For the last time, Marton, do _not_ touch me!"

"Come on, Catelook at them! They're such a terrific looking couple!"

"They are marriedwe are not!"

"We were"

"We were _never_ married! That was only in the movie for like five seconds!"

"Kiss me."

"Get away from me you freak!" Cate yelled stepping away, backing into Celeborn.

Cate's face suddenly froze. "Kindly remove your hands from my buttocks," she said, addressing Celeborn.

Celeborn snickered, "Why, wifewhat do you expect from me when you dress so provocatively?"

"I'm not your wife!"

"That's not what it said in the credits"

Galadriel had approached Marton, and was eyeing him up and down. "You resemble my husbandare you like him in _every_ way?" she said breathily, her eyes roaming down to his zipper.

"Huh? UmI think your husband's having a little problem with Cate."

"He can handle himself_I'd_ rather handle you."

"LadyHEY! Leave that alone! You're marriedto the big guy standing right behind you!"

"When you've been married for as long as we have, you need a little diversion now and then."

Marton and Cate slowly backed away from the advancing, lewdly smiling Elves.

****

Orlando stood with Legolas, posing for pictures.

"Why do you still have a mohawk?" Legolas asked, eyeing the fringe of dark curls that ran down the center of Orlando's head from his brow to the nape of his neck.

Orlando looked a bit flustered at the question. "Can you keep a secret?" he asked Legolas, looking around to make sure no one else could hear him.

"Of courseI never told anyone about the day on the set when you had that, er'zipper accident,' now did I?"

"Argh! Don't remind methat hurt."

"Sowhat's the secret?"

"Well, sometimesat nightwhen I'm aloneI like to wear the wig."

"No way!"

"And the contact lenses."

"Orlando"

"And the costume."

"Orlando!"

"And I stand on the bed, shooting arrows at the wall."

"Too much information, Orlando."

"I make the maid call me 'Legolas.'"

"You really need to get some help, you know."

Just then Elrohir and Elladan ran past, each holding a shiny black dress shoe and a black silk sock in the air, chased by an irate, barefoot Elijah.


	13. Why Elves Should NEVER Do Shots

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Orlando:** You have no right telling the world that I dress up like Legolas! **Me: **You didn't say it was a secret. **Legolas:** You really dress up like me? Manthat's just a little too weird. You're not going to go all _Michael Jackson_ on me, are you? **Orlando:** I do not dress up like you! **Me:** Yes, you do - I have the photos to prove it. **Orlando:** You said that camera didn't have any film in it! **Me:** It was a digital, you idiot.

****

A/N: Well, I have some bad newsOctober starts the busy season in my industry, and I may not have time to email everyone individually for a whileI hate that 'cause I really appreciate everyone who reviews! Hopefully, I'll have time again in November. But, I will make sure to thank everyone at the beginning of the chaptersand you can, of course, still email me privately if you have any questionsThanks to everyone who read and reviewed!

****

Chapter 13

Why Elves Should NEVER Do Shots

****

Legolas put his fingers around the shot glass, and looked down the long bar at the line of humans and Elves that stood waiting for his signal.

He nodded his head, and tossed the fiery liquid down, shivering ever so slightly. Everyone slammed their shot glasses back down on the bar, and waited for the bartender to refill them.

Music was blaring, the dance floor was packed, and Legolas really couldn't have been happier.

The event went swimmingly, once Legolas had managed to get the twins to return Elijah's footwear; had gotten Celeborn and Galadriel to consider finding different partners and leave Cate and Marton alone for a while; had used a crowbar to pry Arwen off of Viggo; and had convinced Hugo that Elrond was not really crazyhe was just being _Elrond_. Now he could finally relax and have a little fun at the after-event party he was hosting at his favorite restaurant in town.

The Elves and their human compatriots had already done several rounds of shots, and were beginning to feel the effects.

****

"Huge-o" Elrond chortled, throwing his arm around the actor, "I believe you're drunk"

"I'm not drunkwell, maybe a littlehell, I'm _plastered_!" Hugo laughed. "I can't feel my eyebrows anymoreare they moving?"

"No. Try again."

Hugo turned very red in the face, trying to make his eyebrows move. "How about now?"

"hicNope," Elrond said. He put his index fingers over Hugo's eyebrows and manually lifted them up. "There, that's better."

****

"You know what? You know what?" Viggo slurred, pointing his shot glass at everyone within reach, "I love you guys. I do. I love you all you guys"

"Oh, AragornI love you, too!" Arwen cried, dropping her shot glass on the floor, and re-attaching herself to Viggo, who, in his current state, attached himself right back. They fell down to the floor and rolled themselves around behind the bar.

****

The D.J. began playing Bloodhound Gang's "The Bad Touch" and Elrohir and Elladan stumbled out to the dance floor, dragging Elijah with them.

The twins began wiggling around the dance floor, stripping out of their jerkins shrieking, "_you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_" Elijah stood in the middle of the dance floor, weaving back and forth unsteadily on his feet, like a pendulum. He finally sat down firmly on his rump, kicking off his shoes, and peeling off his socks. Lifting his foot up to eye level, he murmured, "They aren't _that_ hairy" before falling back, sound asleep, still holding his foot in the air.

By this time the twins were down to their silk skivvies, and had drawn quite a crowd.

****

"Kids!" Thranduil yelled, slamming yet another shot back with Ian, "Why do we have 'em? You have 'em, raise em', spoil the _hell_ out of 'em, send 'em off on quests, and what do you get? NO grandchildrenthat's what you get!"

Ian nodded his head in sympathy, a tiny bit of Johnny Walker Red dripping down his chin, and let out a long belch. "Ungrateful bassidsever'one of 'em." His head fell forward on the bar, and he began to snore loudly.

****

Celeborn and Galadriel were working the crowd, looking for anyone interested in a little playtime with Elves.

When last seen they were leading Peter Jackson off to some dark little corner.

"Peteryou're very short, and very roundI _like_ that in a human," Galadriel purred, pinching Peter's cheek.

"Me, too," Celeborn added lasciviously, causing Peter to jam on the brakes, looking up at him bug-eyed. Galadriel and Celeborn grabbed Peter's arms, and continued dragging him along.

****

Legolas was looking bleary-eyed toward the dance floor when a pair of silk skivvies flew over the heads of the crowd and landed squarely on top of his mithril crown. He never even blinked.

Orlando wandered over, weaving more than a bit. He looked up at Legolas, trying to focus his eyes. "Thas a nice hat. I'd like a hatlike that." No sooner had he said it, than another pair of silken skivvies flew out over the crowd and landed squarely on his mohawk. "Oooh. Thanks. Lessgo, Legodance with me"

"I don' wanna dance with you, Orli."

"You never liked me, did you? I could tellyou never let me wear your crown."

"I like youI jush don' wanna dance with you."

"Please?"

"Oh, finebut I get to lead."

****

Haldir and Glorfindel were still at the bar, tossing back shots. "I _never_ repeatnever!" Haldir said conspiratorially to Glorfindel.

"Reallybut the bottles all say "rinse and repeat'," Glorfindel replied, leaning forward, as if this were the most interesting conversation he'd ever had with anyone in his entire life.

"Nopeno repeating. Repeating is what dries it out! Jush rinse" Haldir said, tossing back his long mane of silvery hair, and succeeding in losing his balance in the process, plopping down on his arse.

Glorfindel leaned down unsteadily toward Haldir, who sat on the floor, his head nodding up and down gently like a bobblehead. "No repeatgot it." He tried to walk to the dance floor, but passed out, falling to the floor, his head landing in Haldir' lap.

****

Erestor and Eldarion spent the entire night playing truth or dare. Erestor, in his infinite wisdom, not to mention alcohol induced stupor, consistently picked "dare."

"I dare you to go up and touch Liv Tyler's boob," Eldarion said.

"Fine," he agreed, and meandered away in search of Ms. Tyler.

Several minutes later, Erestor staggered back, the front of his jacket wrinkled and his mouth bleeding slightly, to where Eldarion sat drinking peach schnapps straight out of a bottle.

"What happened?" Eldarion asked, squinting at Erestor.

"Dunno. When did Liv grow a beard?"

Eldarion looked over Erestor's shoulder. "That was John Rhys-Davies' boob. That doesn't count."

As with all good things, the party did come to an endeventually. As dawn crept up over the mountains to the east, the restaurant personnel tried to clean the room, sweeping their brooms around the Elves and actors, in various states of undress, who lay snoring here and there on the floor.

****

****


	14. The Morning After

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** I throw a wicked party. **Me:** No, you don'tI've been to one of your _real_ partiesI don't consider playing parcheesi and drinking Kool-aid to be wicked. **Legolas: **This last party was wicked. **Me:** Only because _I_ planned it. If _you_ had planned it, the elves would have been drinking milk, and the humans would have been serving it. **Legolas:** What's wrong with milk? **Me:** Nothingas long as it's not in my glass at a party.

****

A/N: Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! I can't tell you how much I appreciate the feedback. That was a really fun chapter to write, and so was this onewell, this one was fun for me, not necessarily fun for the Elves

****

Chapter 14

The Morning After

"Argh! For the absolute _last_ timeI am _NOT_ ARAGORN!" Viggo bellowed, trying to wriggle out of Arwen's arms. He had awakened on the floor behind the bar, covered only by a tablecloth, with a horrific headache, and a 115-pound Elf hanging around his throat like a giant, drool-encrusted necktie.

"Don't say that, Aragorn! I'm not _listening_I'm not _listening_" Arwen said in a sing-song voice, shaking her head but never letting up on her iron grip around Viggo's neck.

"Could you at least let me sit up? I'm lying on your freaking crown and it's digging a hole into my kidneys. And please, stop calling me ARAGORN!"

"Okay, Estel, whatever you say."

"ARGHH!"

****

Sometime during the night, Thranduil had climbed up on the bar, stretched out and went to sleep. This morning, his formal robe was wide open, exposing his well muscled - for an Elf his age - stomach. There was a small pool of tequila in his bellybutton. He began to stir, and, forgetting where he was, rolled off of the bar and on to the floor with a very large thud.

"Ooof!" Thranduil said involuntarily as the wind was knocked out of him. Slowly standing up, he looked down at his stomach as tequila ran down into his pants.

"Yuck. What the hell _is_ this stuff?" he asked no one in particular. Dipping his finger into the liquid, he brought it up to his nose and smelled it, making a face. "Why am I covered in tequila?"

"Belly shots," Sir Ian explained from his seat at the bar. "You had half the party lined up here last night. You were a most popular attraction."

"How embarrassing! How degrading! And in front of a KnightI do apologize, Sir Ian"

"Don't apologizethey were delicious," Sir Ian replied with a half smile, as he sauntered off, apparently one of those rare people who do not get hangovers. Thranduil turned a rather pasty color, watching the old actor walk off. He looked down at his stomach and decided that, when he got back to Legolas' house, he was a taking a bath in Lysol.

****

Elladan, Elrohir, and Elijah were lying in a pile in the middle of the dance floor. Elijah, at least, still had most of his clothes on. The twins, however, would likely feel the chill in the room immediately. Picking his head up off the floor, Elijah looked at the two dark haired naked Elves.

"Wake up. HeyWAKE UP!" He yelled, picking up his shoe and poking them with it.

"It's Sundaywe don't have to work today" Elladan groaned, blinding swatting at the offending shoe with this hand.

"I don't _want_ to go to archery class today, AdaI'm sick," Elrohir moaned, turning over.

The poking and yelling continued until the twins pried their eyes open, and blearily looked at Elijah.

"Why are we naked?" Elladan asked, looking down at himself.

"Why are we naked on the floor with the Hobbit?" Elrohir asked, looking at Elijah.

"I am NOT a HOBBIT!" Elijah roared, causing the twins to wince, holding their heads.

"Shouldn't we be naked on the floor with a couple of beautiful women?" Elrohir asked, looking at his twin.

"What did you do with our women, Hobbit?" Elladan asked Elijah.

Elijah began to beat the two naked Elves with his shoe.

****

"Aren't those your boys lying naked on the floor with Elijah?" Hugo asked Elrond when the two of them were able to focus their eyes.

"Yesunfortunately," Elrond replied.

"Did you know they were gay? I'm surprised at Elijah - I _know_ he's not gay."

"I don't think that they arethey've always had female dates."

"Bi?"

"No, they've never had to pay for it."

"No, not buy"

"Bye? You're leaving? Me too, I guessas soon as I can get some clothes on those two nitwits."

"You really aren't the brightest crayon in the box, are you, Elrond?" Hugo asked, cocking an eyebrow, and immediately regretting it, since it caused Elrond to start trying to mimic him again.

****

Hugo walked away, thinking that if he had known what the _real_ Elrond was like, his role in the LOTR movies would have been the comic relief. He was just passing the D.J.'s booth when something caught his eye. Looking up, he saw Peter Jackson peeking out from the behind the sound mixing board.

"Peter? What are you doing up there? Why are you wearing a crown?"

"Don't let them find meplease, Hugo! The Elf was bad enough, but that female nearly killed me!" he whispered, shaking like a leaf.

"Oh Godhere they come! Don't tell them you saw meI'll give you the starring role in my next epic if you won't tell them where I am!"

Hugo looked over and saw Galadriel and Celeborn walking toward him, looking under tables as they walked.

"Well, good morning, Hugo" Celeborn said with a broad smile. "Have you seen Peter this fine morning?"

"Umcan't say that I have," Hugo lied, already mentally racking up the bucks that a starring role in one of Peter's movies would bring.

"Celebornhave you ever noticed how truly sexy Hugo's eyebrows are?" Galadriel sighed, reaching out with one slender finger to touch one. The brow immediately shot up to Hugo's hairline - probably in an involuntary effort to get away from Galadriel's finger.

"They _are_ quite magnificent, Hugo" Celeborn agreed, taking the actor by his elbow. "Walk with us, and let us discuss the erpossibility of using you as a spokesman for our chain of health food storesthat's it - a spokesman."

Smiling, Celeborn and Galadriel walked on either side of a totally unsuspecting Hugo, steering him to the same small back room from which the two of them had just exited.

Elrond watched the exchange and smirked, "and he thinks _I'm_ not the brightest crayon in the box"

****

Haldir awoke with a strange, heavy feeling around his groin. Putting a hand to his forehead in response to the blinding headache he had, he shifted his eyes downward trying not to move his noggin.

"Oh, Eruplease let that be a woman and not who I think it is," he murmured, seeing the spray of long blonde hair in his lap.

Screwing his eyes shut, he poked the head that was attached to the hair with his finger.

"Knock it the frig off, whoever you are, or I'll break that finger off at the knuckle," growled the deep voice that belonged to the head.

"Oh, no_no_! Glorfindel," Haldir whispered, not wanting to attract anyone else's attention. "Glorfindelwake up and get off me."

"You get off _me_."

"I'm not _on_ you, you moron!" Haldir replied, his voice getting a little louder.

"I'm not on _you_, you son of a warg!"

"Yes you _ARE_, you worm eaten pile of dung!" Haldir's voice got louder still.

"Bite me!"

"GLORFINDELGET OFF ME NOW!" Haldir thundered, losing his patience completely.

Every head in the restaurant turned to stare at the famous model and the famous hockey player laying on the floor by the bar. Several camera flashes went off, and tomorrow's headlines flashed in front of Haldir's eyes.

"GlorfindelI am going to kill you. This is not a drill. Commence running, because when I catch you, you trumped up figure skater, I am going to tear your head from your body."

Glorfindel opened his eyes, and lifted his head from Haldir's lap. Seeing the brutal look in Haldir's eyes, Glorfindel grinned.

"A fight - _this_ early in the morning? This is gonna be a great day!"

****

Eldarion rolled over, and his head noisily knocking into several empty peach schnapps bottles lying on the floor next to him. Sitting up, holding his head, he looked at Erestor, who was still snoring.

Erestor's upper lip was swollen into a sneer, his right eye was completely swollen and black, his nose had bled during the night, and, Eldarion believed, that might very well be a bald spot on the right side of his head where a clump of hair had been snatched out.

"Oh, yesI remember now. He actually touched Liv Tyler's boob - there's something for his scrapbook. That girl can really throw a punch, thoughwonder if she learned that from her Ada, Steven? She can really take care of herself - she beat the crap out of poor Erestor."

Erestor rolled over, moaning, "pleasekill me. Just kill me now."

****

Legolas woke up in strange surroundings. It took a moment for him to realize that he was in the kitchen of the restaurant, lying on the long stainless steel counter. He sat up, and noted with surprise that he was dressed in a tuxedothough he distinctly remembered being in his jerkin from the presentation.

Shrugging, he stepped off the table, nearly tripped over Orlando, who was spread-eagled on the floor of the kitchen. Legolas' eyes widened as he took in the sight before him.

Orlando was dressed in Legolas' jerkin and leggings, and had an old, dirty mop on his head. On top of the mop was Legolas' mithril crown.

Legolas rolled his eyes, dimly remembering Orlando dancing on top of the stainless steel table singing, "_we're menwe're men in tights! We rob from the rich, and give to the poorthat's right! We're menmanly men! We're men in tights"_

He sighed, stepped over Orlando's prone form, and went into the restaurant to collect his friends.


	15. The Party's Over

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Me:** Wowyou elves really can't hold your liquor. **Legolas:** You're a fine one to talk. Or do you think I didn't see you doing belly shots off of my Ada's stomach? **Me:** He looks good for his age. Tastes good, too. **Legolas:** EwwwI'm not going to be able to get that picture out of my head for a decade. **Me:** Jealous? Lay down, and I'll get the tequila

****

A/N: Thanks once again to everyone who has reviewed! Sorry this update took so long, but I'm already working twelve hour daysyesterday I worked eighteen. I hate October.

****

Chapter 15

The Party's Over

It took quite a while, but Legolas finally succeeded in rounding up the Elves and transporting them back to his house. The hardest part was prying Arwen loose from Viggohe had nearly had to decapitate the poor actor to do it.

He had put the staff to work making pot after pot of strong coffee, hoping fervently that it would help sober up the twins, who were still drunk from last night. Everyone else simply suffered from horrible hangovers.

"Where's the Hobbit?" Elladan asked, turning his nose up at yet another cup of coffee.

"He wasn't a Hobbit, 'Danhe was an actor. They were _all_ actors," Legolas said, giving a meaningful look to Arwen, who had resumed weeping.

"He had furry feet."

"His feet were normal, human feet. You are obsessed with feet!" Elrond muttered, trying to get Elrohir to suck down another mouthful of java.

Haldir was still seething with rage at Glorfindel, who merely grinned and wiggled his fingers at the big Elf whenever he caught his eye. Glorfindel was sorely disappointed that there had been no fight that morning - Legolas had threatened to tell their agents that the stories that were bound to appear in the next edition of the tabloids were true, if they so much as poked a finger at each other.

Erestor was currently lying on the sofa with a cold compress across his eyes. If ever an Elf did not look his best, it was Erestor at this moment.

"'Restoryou were a warrior - how did you ever let yourself get beat up by a human female?" Celeborn asked, raising an eyebrow, and wincing when Erestor removed the compress from his eyes revealing the shiner on his right eye.

"I am not a warrior anymoreI am an accountantbesides, she was really, really fast, and I was really, really drunk," Erestor moaned, covering his eyes with the washcloth again.

Legolas sighed, looking at his friends and thinking about how much things had changed. He went to the window, looking out at the view, remembering Mirkwood, the Fellowship, Rivendell, Lorien, Gondormemories flew past his eyes with lightning speed.

"A Lorien gold piece for your thoughts, Legolas," Haldir said quietly, coming to stand beside the Elf.

"Do you remember how it used to be, Haldir? What we used to be like? Do you remember how the forest smelled? I bought 100 acres of forest out in Montana, and I go there once in a while to remember, but it's just not the same."

"One thing remains the same, mellon ninI can still outshoot you," Haldir said with a laugh.

Legolas chuckled. "You couldn't outshoot me then, and I'd wager you still couldn't. I'm surprised you made that shot during the presentation!"

"Wanna bet? I still practice - you're the one I thought might just shoot Orlando by mistake."

"What do you want to bet?"

"Let's make it interestingloser has to do whatever the winner demands."

"Within reason"

"Now you're hedging the bet. Loser does WHATEVER the winner demands."

"You're going to be a very sorry Elf, Haldir," Legolas laughed, slapping the other Elf on the shoulder. "You're on!"

"You're on what, Haldir? I knew you had to be on _something_" Elladan grinned, coming up behind the two Elves at the window, evidently finally sobered up enough to have rational thoughts.

Haldir rolled his eyes at Legolas. Turning to Elladan he said, "I'm not _on_ anything. I was making a bet with Legolas that I could outshoot him."

"Yououtshoot _Legolas_?" Elladan laughed, "Not a chance! Now me, on the hand"

:"You what? You think _you_ can outshoot Legolas?" Haldir scoffed, looking down his nose at the dark haired twin.

"I _think_ I might outshoot himbut I _know_ I can outshoot you!"

"Either you're still drunk, or completely delusional, Peredhil," Haldir replied, narrowing his eyes at Elladan.

"He _could_ outshoot _you_, broit's _me_ he couldn't match," Elrohir laughed, joining the trio at the window.

"The _Hobbits_ could've out shot the two of _you_," Glorfindel snorted, "I however, could outshoot both Legolas and Haldir with my eyes closed."

Later that afternoon, the Elves gathered out in the back of Legolas' house where he had had an archery range installed. Rows of bulls-eyes stood across the field from them where they stood. Each of the five Elves competing stood with bow in hand across from a target.

Elrond stood to one side, while the rest of the Elves stood in a group, watching the competition.

"On your markget setfire!" Elrond called.

Thwunk. Thwunk. Thwunk. Thwunk. Thuwnk.

Five arrows found their marks.

"Boring! A five hundred year old could do this!" Elrohir complained, frowning at the five bulls-eyes.

"Bah! You just don't know how to get creative," Glorfindel laughed, taking out a strip of cloth from his pocket. Tying it over his eyes, he quickly notched and shot another arrow.

Thwunk. Another bulls-eye.

"Pleasethat must be the oldest trick in the book," Haldir scoffed. He turned around so that his back faced the targets, and fired an arrow over his shoulder.

Thwunk. Another bulls-eye.

"You have very little sense of creativity, Haldir!" Elladan chuckled. He also turned his back to the target, bent over and shot an arrow through his legs.

Thwunk. Another bulls-eye.

Looking around, Elladan was the first to realize that Legolas had disappeared. "Where did Legolas go? Don't tell me he's given up already?"

"Nopelook up there!" Elrohir said, pointing to the roof of the house, nearly 300 yards away. They could see a figure standing on the rooftop, bow in hand.

Thwunk.

Looking back at the target, three arrows twanged in the very heart of the bulls-eye.

"Damnhe's still got it," Haldir grudgingly admitted, looking back at the Elf on the roof.

"What's he going to make you do, Haldir?" Elladan asked, lifting an eyebrow at the Elf.

:"I don't knowbut I can guarantee that I won't like it."


	16. An Elf's Gotta Do What An Elf's Gotta Do

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** I won, I won, I won! **Haldir:** Shut up, Legolas. **Legolas:** You're just jealous because I won. **Haldir: **Shut up, Legolas. **Legolas:** I beat you fair and square. **Haldir:** Shut _up_, Legolas. **Legolas:** I can't help it if you've lost the touch. **Haldir:** For the last time, Legolas, SHUT UP! **Legolas:** C'monadmit itI'm better than you! (_WHAM_). **ME:** Great. Haldir, you have _got_ to stop sucker punching him. The fan girls are going to riot. **Haldir **(_looking down at Legolas, sprawled out on the floor_) You'd think he'd see it coming, by now.

****

A/N: Thanks once again to everyone who read and reviewed! You guys are the best!

****

Chapter 16

An Elf's Gotta Do What An Elf's Gotta Do

"I am _not_ doing this, Legolasthink of something else," Haldir said imperiously, looking down his nose at the contract on the desk before him, before pushing it back at Legolas.

"Welching on a bet, Haldir? I'd never have thought you the type to go back on your word" Legolas jibed, arcing an eyebrow at his friend, and pushing the contract right back.

"I've never welched on a bet in my life! But this is too much, Legolasthere has to be _something_ else I can do, insteadwash your windowsspit shine your shoestake out a full page ad in the Times admitting that you're better than mec'mon, work with me here."

"Nopethis is it. It's for the cause, Haldir. The Foundation will get a percentage of every one sold."

"I'll give you a percentage of every dollar I make"

"You can do thatbut you'll do this, too."

"Why can't _you_ do it?"

"I'm not an actor."

"Neither am I!"

"You're a modelclose enough."

"ARGH! You're exasperating! This is degrading, Legolas. I never would have thought you the type to take advantage of a friendly wager," Haldir said, picking up a pen.

"I'm not taking advantagewell, maybe I am - just a little," Legolas laughed, taking the signed document from his friend. "The shoot starts tomorrow at 6:00 a.m."

"Swell. _Cough, cough_. Oopsthink I may be coming down with something."

"Nice trybe there at six for make-up and costuming."

Haldir growled at his friend, and, tossing the pen down on the desk, stalked out of the room. Legolas chuckled softly to himself, as he put his feet up on the desk, his hands behind his head, leaning back in the big leather chair. "Thank Eru I never stopped practicingI'd hate to think of what he would have made _me_ do!"

Word spread quickly throughout the house, and, not surprisingly, all the Elves cancelled their flights home in order to be present at the shoot the next morning at six. No way were they going to miss the former March Warden's humiliation.

Haldir spent the rest of the day in a foul mood. Avoiding him at all costs became the name of the game, although Elladan and Elrohir tempted fate because they couldn't resist a few gentle jabs at the big Elf.

"Haldirwhat's wrong? You've always liked treesit'll remind you of the Golden Wood," Elrohir laughed, ducking out of the way of Haldir's fist.

"Really, Haldiryou'll look so good in the costume, too!" Elladan guffawed, as he and his brother made a mad dash to safety, an irate Haldir hot on their heels. They made it to the bedroom, slamming the door shut just a nanosecond before Haldir's fist pounded it, putting a nice little dent in the oak.

"Temper, temper, March Warden" Elrohir's voice taunted from behind the door.

"You'll have to come out of there sooner or later, and when you do - I'll be waiting!" Haldir bellowed, giving the door another pounding.

Hearing the twins collapse into laughter within their room, Haldir snarled, and stomped off to his own room, where he remained for the rest of the night.

****

Haldir sat in the make-up artist's chair at six the following morning, while a hairdresser fussed with his silvery mane. Looking in the mirror, he cringed at what she was doing.

"Excuse methat is _not_ how an Elf's braids should goI look like Pippi Longstocking!" Haldir growled, pointing to the two large braids sticking out of the sides of his head.

"The producer said to braid your hair."

"The producer is an idiot who should have been trampled by an Oliphaunt three thousand years ago."

"Haldir," Legolas laughed from the doorway, "Don't give the poor woman a hard time."

"Legolasyou _will_ tell this woman what you meant by braiding my hair!"

"Milly," Legolas snickered, "perhaps we should let Haldir braid his own hair"

"He's not in the union"

"I have to be in a union to braid my own hair? Legolaswhere do you _find_ these people?" Haldir roared, causing Milly to scramble from the room, panic-stricken.

"Very nice, Haldirthat hairdresser was one of the best in the business. Will you _please_ just try to cooperate?" Legolas admonished, frowning.

"Get bent, Mirkwood Elfling! This entire deal is bad enough, but I will not allow you to mess with the hair!"

"Just braid it theneveryone is waiting on the set, and you still have to get into costume," Legolas ordered, walking out of the room, and closing the door. The can of hairspray that Haldir threw at him bounced harmless off the frame.

****

"NO!" Haldir bellowed, his voice echoing off the walls of the dressing room, where a couple of young men fought to get his costume fitted. "I will NOT wear this."

"You _have_ to wear this - this is the costume! It's a jerkin" one of the young men said around a mouthful of straight pins.

"This is NOT a jerkinTHIS isa handkerchief! What kind of product are you trying to sell, anyway? The censors will never allow this to air on television!"

"Nonsensethis has always been the costume of our Elves" the other young man corrected, tugging slightly on the back of Haldir's costume. "Now, put on your shoes, and let's gothe crew is waiting to start the shoot."

"What shoes? We didn't wear shoeswe wore boots! These things look like something out of Aladdin!" Haldir yelled, holding the offending articles up by their pointy toes with two fingers.

"Geezjust _once_ I'd like to work with someone who wasn't a prima donna" one young man said to the other as they walked out of the room, leaving Haldir sputtering behind them.

****

"Where is he?" the director asked Legolas, drumming his fingers on the arm of his chair. "It's nearly eight o'clockif we don't start soon, I'll have to wind up paying the crew overtime!"

"He'll be right outhe's putting on his shoes," one of the dressers said to the director as the two young men walked over to the buffet table. The other Elves were standing at the buffet, picking over the muffins, bagels, and pastries that were set up for the crew.

Haldir appeared on the set, and the Elves at the buffet collapsed into fits of laughter. No wonderhe looked absolutely ridiculous. His hair was braided in the traditional Elven fashion, but it could hardly be seen under the tall red and yellow striped stocking cap plopped on his head. He wore a white shirt, under a red vest, under a green jacket, and a yellow tie. The jacket ended just below his waist, leaving his yellow tights exposed. The tights disappeared into the brown, curly toed slippers on his feet.

"Uh, ohwe're going to have to have him stand behind a table, or shoot him from the waist up," the director frowned, looking Haldir up and down. "The censors will NEVER allow that."

Of course, he was referring to the rather prominent bulge in Haldir's leggings, which the short coat did nothing to hide.

"I thought this was what ALL your Elves wore" Haldir said sarcastically, hands on his hips.

"All of our other Elves were _animated_now get in the tree." the director shot back, used to working with difficult actors.

Grumbling, Haldir did as he was ordered, climbing into the plastic hollow tree, and standing out on the small balcony near the top of the trunk.

"Pick up the package, and say the line. And smile, for God's sake!" the director yelled. "Action!"

"Because they're made by Elves," Haldir said, holding up the package of Keebler fudge cookies.

"CUT! You - Elf guy'smile' means showing your teeth!" the director yelled. "Action!"

"Because they're made by Elves," Haldir said again, showing his teeth.

"CUT! What the _hell_ was that? We're trying to sell these cookies to childrennot Freddy Krueger! Smile and look cutsie!" the director shouted at Haldir.

'I have been many things in my life, but _cutsie_ has _never_ been one of them!" Haldir bellowed right back.

"Haldir...you might as well just do it the way he wants itor we'll be here all night!" Legolas laughed from his place behind the director's chair. The other Elves held their hands over their mouths in a desperate attempt to stay quiet.

"FINE!"

"ACTION!"

"Because they're made by Elves," Haldir said sweetly, actually managing to look a little like the Keebler Elves.

"Cut and print!" the director yelled. Turning to Legolas he said, "Please, do me a favorlet me stick to the animated Elves from now on!" He stomped away, leaving Legolas chuckling.

Haldir climbed down out of the tree, and cast a look at the other Elves that told them that if they spoke one single, solitary word to him, he would be guilty of genocide.

Arriving back at Legolas' house, the Elves went about the business of packing for their return flights home.

"I wanted to thank you for inviting us out hereit's been a blast!" Elrohir said to Legolas, standing in the hall with his luggage as the Elves waited for the cars that would take them to the airport.

"I'm the one who needs to thank youwithout you, the fundraiser would never have flown. We've raised enough money between the fundraiser and the contract with Keebler for the cookie commercial to start the educational program and scholarship program immediately!" Legolas said to his friends with a broad smile.

"Don't ever mention the words 'Keebler' or 'cookies' in my presence again!" Haldir grumbled, still not quite over the humiliation of having to play Ernie the Elf for the commercial shoot.

"A special thanks to you, my friend, both for doing the commercial, and for neglecting your archery skills!" Legolas laughed, hugging Haldir, receiving a small smile in return.

One by one, the Elves bid Legolas a fond farewell, each promising to keep in touch, as they piled into the cars that would take them to the airport.

It had been a great trip for them all, and one they would likely not soon forget.

As Haldir walked down the aisle of the plane to his seat, a small boy said to his mother, "Mom! Look - it's Haldir from the Lord of the Rings! He was the March Warden! He's my favorite!"

Haldir smiled to himself, thinking that it had, perhaps, been all worth while.

The End


End file.
